


Bahrain

by MissAdoration



Series: Love Through the Pain [9]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt Clint Barton, Hurt Natasha Romanov, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt/Comfort, Infant Death, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, Natasha-centric, Red Room, Redemption, Religious Content, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-15 09:37:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 28
Words: 43,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5780872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissAdoration/pseuds/MissAdoration
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After losing almost everyone she loves, and then nearly losing herself, Natasha, and with the help of one who helped her not once, but twice, will let go of everything and learn that she is flawless no matter what she's done. Part 2 of "Redemption".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, my wonderful readers, here we begin part 9 of "Love Through the Pain" and part 2 of the "Redemption" subseries. Please make sure you have read "One Plus One Equals before starting this.
> 
> This story will be divided into 5 different phases. I will let you know where we are at every so often. Warning you now for mild violence and forced sterilization.

 Natasha was nervous as she sat in a chair in the training room. Today was the day that she was showing Anna how to use her widow's bite. Since she could only use one of them in combat and Anna wanted to learn how to use them anyway, everything would work out.

Now, it has been almost a year since she had used even one of them .The last time that she remembered using it was when they were on Yavin 13 helping General Rieekan defend the rebel base. Since that mission, there was no legit reason to use it.

The bracelet felt foreign to her, like she never wore it in her life. It felt heavy on her wrist since she had lost weight from being severely sick from her pregnancy.

Nearby, Clint was helping Anna position the other bracelet onto her wrist, making sure it felt comfortable on her and showing her how to turn it on. The rest he would leave to Natasha.

"You're all set. Be careful and have fun," Clint said with a smile.

"Thanks, Clint," Anna responded. She then walked over to Natasha, who was still trying to get used to having it on her wrist.

"Hey, you OK?" Anna asked when she came closer. The whole time that Clint was helping her, Natasha just sat there and stared at the bracelet. Every time she would try to raise her wrist, it felt like a giant weight was on top of it.

Looking up at Anna's concerned face, she responded that she was fine and that it had been a long time since she'd worn it.

"How long has it been?"

"Almost a year," Natasha responded. Anna nodded as Natasha stood up. Her right arm was at her side.

Very slowly, the two of them walked to the center of the room where Clint had set up a few targets for Anna to practice hitting.

"Let me get used to having it charged up before i show you," Natasha said as she lifted her wrist to turn on the bite. The sting caused her body to shake a little.

Anna stood back as Natasha threw a few kicks and punches at the targets that Clint had set up as well as a few imaginary targets. It was just like old times. Well, somewhat.

From where Clint was standing, he could see that Natasha was struggling. Every punch that she threw wasn't her normal fighting style. It looked like she had been fighting all day and was worn out.

"Nat, you OK?" Clint yelled across the room.

"I'm fine!" she responded as she jabbed the bite into one of the targets. The hit instantly knocked her down to the ground.

She wasn't moving.

"Nat!" Clint shouted as he ran toward her. Anna quickly and carefully removed the bracelet from her wrist and set it gently on the chair before running over to Clint.

Clint knelt down by Natasha's side and removed the bite from her wrist.

"Nat. Talk to me. Can you hear me?'

No answer.

He felt for a pulse on her wrist.

It was unevenly beating.

"Anna, get Dr. Anderson. Hurry!" Clint said as Anna came closer.

Anna quickly left the room and ran toward the medical bay.

Now that Leia, Han, and Luke were gone. Coulson had now recruited Dr. Anderson as the new doctor at SHIELD and Officer Kennedy was training to be a Level 8 operative. Clint was his SO.

* * *

Dr. Anderson was quite surprised to see Anna burst into his office. She almost never ran in. Something must be wrong.

"Everything alright?" he asked.

"No. Nat's down. She has a pulse, but she's not responding," Anna said nervously and half out of breath.

"Where is she?"

"Training room. She was using her Widow's Bite and when she hit the wall, the impact knocked her down."

Dr. Anderson quickly got up from his chair and followed Anna out of his office and down to the training room. Upon arrival, they noticed that Natasha was still laying on the ground. Clint was beside her and holding her hand, trying to get her respond to him. Dr. Anderson then knelt down and checked for Natasha's pulse.

It was still rapidly beating.

"She's cold to the touch. We need to get her in bed," Dr. Anderson said to Clint. Clint then lifted Natasha into his arms and carried her to his room. Anna and Dr. Anderson followed.

Once inside the room. Clint laid Natasha down on the bed and draped the blankets over her. Meanwhile, Anna left the room to call Steve, who was off base spending the day with baby Maria, who was now 3 months old. Coulson was also off base spending the day with Audrey Nathan, a cellist that he had a crush on before he was "killed" by Loki. When Fury brought him back under the T.A.H.I.T.I. project, he never told Audrey he was alive, however about a month and a half ago, he did. Now, the two of them were engaged and due to be married this fall.

Clint held Natasha's hand in his and stroked her forehead and Dr. Anderson asked him questions about what happened.

"Did she have it fully charged?"

"Yeah, she was trying to get used to it again. She was aiming for a target when she hit and went down," Clint answered. Dr. Anderson nodded his head.

"Well, considering it's been a long time since she's used it, and taking her current physical condition into play, I'm not surprised that this happened." He then took a breath and stared at Natasha's unmoving body. "I recommend that someone else learn how to use the Widow's Bite. If she gets knocked out again, the shock could kill her."

A knot began to form in Clint's stomach. This was now the third time that he was hearing this. He knew Natasha's condition and what she had been through this past year. It hurt him too, seeing his partner and best friend lying unmoving in a bed.

"Will she at least be OK from what happened today?" he asked swallowing his fear.

"I think right now all her body needs is rest. She's still shivering from being knocked out," Dr. Anderson answered as he felt Natasha's arm.

"I'm just confused. She's been knocked out by a one of her taser disks and was only out for a few seconds. It doesn't make sense."

"I know, but keep in mind, the Widow's Bite has a stronger charge than a tiny taser disk. Also. Having a double miscarriage doesn't help her situation at all."

Clint nodded as he continued to hold Natasha's cold and lifeless hand in his. Until she woke up, he was not going to leave her side. For as long as he could remember, he almost never left her side until she woke up. He was not about to break his ritual. Natasha was his partner. His face was the first one she saw when he rescued her from Ivan way back in the day. Ever since then, his face was always the first that she saw.

Dr. Anderson left the room once he knew that things were under control. He had to get back to medical since it was time for Anna to have her yearly physical.

Once he was left alone with Natasha, Clint pulled out his phone and began to check for any new messages. He wasn't too far down on his new emails list when Steve knocked on the door and came in.

"Anna told me what happened. Is she OK?"

"Yeah. I'm just waiting for her to wake up," Clint answered with a smile. Steve then came over and kissed her on the forehead, which was slightly still cold.

"Did she set it at a higher charge or something?" he asked.

"No, it only has one charge setting. My guess is when the electricity reacted with the metal target, it knocked her down," Clint answered. Steve nodded his head and began to leave the room since Maria was in her playpen probably wondering where her daddy was.

"How was your afternoon with Maria?" Clint asked stopping him just as he stepped out.

"Good. We just took a casual walk around the park and went window shopping. I did pick up something for Natasha."

"That's nice. What about your favorite archer?" Clint teased.

Before Steve could answer that he did, he heard Maria crying.

"Feeding time," he said with a smile. "And yes, I did get you something."

Clint smiled as Steve left the room to tend to Maria while Clint continued to wait for Natasha to wake up.


	2. Chapter 2

(1 hour later)

Natasha slowly opened her eyes. Her body was stiff and she was cold.

"Not this again," she thought to herself as she could feel a headache coming on.

"Clint?" she whispered. Clint looked up from his phone and glanced over at her.

Her eyes were only half-opened.

"Nat, you awake?" he asked as he set his phone on the nightstand.

"Mmm Hmm.," she mumbled.

"Can you look at me?" he asked,

She slowly opened her eyes a little bit more to look at him, however because the lights were off in the room, she couldn't see him that well.

"What happened?" she whispered.

"You were knocked out by the Widow's Bite."

'How long was I out?"

"2 hours," Clint said as he helped her sit up. He then handed her a glass of water with a straw. "Here, drink."

She was only able to take a couple sips before the room began to spin. Clint quickly set the cup on water on the nightstand and wrapped his arms around her, hoping it would help.

"Easy, Nat. I got you," he said as he stroked her hair. She was shivering in his arms.

"I want to lay down," she whispered. Clint obeyed her wishes and laid her back down on the pillow. He then began to stroke her forehead.

"Where's Steve?" she groaned.

"He's feeding Maria. Shall I go get him for you?" he asked. Natasha nodded.

"OK. Try and rest. I'll be back in a few minutes," he said. He then kissed her forehead and left the room.

* * *

Maria was just about finished with her bottle when Clint came in.

"Nat wants you," he said.

With Maria still in his arms, Steve stood up and followed Clint to where Natasha was resting. He then sat down on the bed and took her hand.

"Nat?" he whispered. Natasha slowly opened her eyes and looked at him.

"Steve," she responded.

'It's OK. I'm here," he responded as Maria cooed in his arms. "And someone else is here too."

With tired eyes, Natasha looked at Maria's face. She looked so happy in Steve's arms. Very carefully, she took Maria's tiny hand in hers.

"Don't worry, malyutka. Mommy will get better soon," she said. Maria cooed again. She then let go of her hand and looked to Steve.

"Can you stay with me?" she asked Steve.

Steve nodded as he stood up to hand Maria to Clint. Clint then closed the door to allow the two of them some privacy.

Once the door was closed, Steve took off his sweatshirt and hung it on the handle. He then climbed into the bed next to her and she snuggled closer to him in an attempt to get warm. He then wrapped his arms around her and held her tight as she fell asleep in his arms. All too soon, sleep was claiming him and his eyes were closing. Within seconds, the two of them were both asleep.

* * *

A few hours later, Steve awoke to Clint quietly opening the door to the room.

"She alright?" he asked. Steve looked down at Natasha, who was still asleep in his arms.

"Yeah."

Clint nodded as he came into the room to feel Natasha's forehead. It was starting to warm up.

"At least she's warming up. Dr. Anderson was worried about her during dinner," Clint said. At that instant, Natasha opened her eyes. She was slightly confused as to where she was and who was holding her.

"Clint?" she asked. Clint knelt down by the bed and took her hand.

"It's OK, Nat. It's just Steve and me. You're alright."

Natasha then allowed her muscles to relax and she and Steve sat up.

"How was dinner? Didn't Anna cook tonight?" Steve asked.

"Yeah she did. It was ranch-flavored chicken thighs and noodles with a really great flavored sauce," Clint responded. "There's still some left if you guys are hungry."

Steve looked to Natasha and she nodded that she was. Minutes later, the three of them left the room. Steve had his arm around Natasha's shoulders, supporting her as they walked to the kitchen.

* * *

Clint was right, the dinner was amazing. Dr. Anderson was also relieved to see Natasha up and walking.

"Glad to see you up. How are you feeling?" he asked as Steve helped her sit down in a chair.

"Tired," she moaned.

"It's OK. It will take a couple days before you're feeling 100% normal again," he responded.

A slight smile appeared on Natasha's face. Would she ever be 100% normal? Ever since her miscarriage, nothing had ever been right. There were some days that she woke up shivering from the cold.

Once dinner was over, Coulson, Anna, and Officer Kennedy left the room so that Dr. Anderson could talk with Steve, Clint, and Natasha.

"Natasha, you're probably not going to like this, but because of what happened today with your Widow's Bite, I am ordering you not to use it anymore either in training or in combat. I'm afraid that if you try to use it again, the shock will kill you."

Natasha did her best to fight back tears, but she couldn't.

The Widow's Bite was her signature weapon.

Seeing her tears, Steve wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. Dr. Anderson then left the room to leave to allow the three of them to have some privacy.

Natasha's tears eventually stopped as she looked at Steve.

"I'm so sorry, Nat," he soothed.

"It just doesn't make sense!" she cried. She then got up and stormed out of the room.

Steve and Clint were left alone in the kitchen. From the sound of it, Natasha had locked herself in Maria Hill's former room.

"Looks like she wants to be alone for the night," Clint said as he stood up.

"I think so, Clint. I just feel bad for her right now."

"Same here."

"Do you want me to keep Maria in my room so you can get some sleep tonight?" Clint asked as he made his way to the door.

"Yeah sure. Thanks."

"Anytime, Cap," Clint responded. He then went into Steve's room to get what he needed for Maria to sleep with him.

Meanwhile, Steve sat in the kitchen with his head in his hands.

He even let a few tears roll out.

* * *

Natasha was furious with herself and her body. She would never be able to fight with the Widow's Bite ever again. Worst of all, she couldn't even teach Anna how to use it. It would have to be Clint.

With tears burning her eyes, she placed each bracelet in the case where they belonged, closed the latches, and carried it out to outside Anna's door where she set it on the ground and left it. She then went back to her room, locked the door, and cried herself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> malyutka: little one


	3. Chapter 3

Steve was instantly awakened to someone knocking at his door. He groaned when he glanced at his clock. It was 3:00 in the morning. After stretching his arms and letting out a yawn, he got up and answered it. It was Clint.

"Cap, sorry to bother you," Clint said groggily.

"What's wrong? Is Natasha OK?"

"It's not Natasha. It's Maria. She's in medical. She has a high fever," Clint answered.

"Oh no!" Steve gasped quietly as he rushed out of the room and ran toward medical. Clint went to go get Natasha.

Natasha nearly punched Clint in the face when he came to wake her. She was not happy about being woken up.

"Easy, Nat. It's just me. It's OK," Clint soothed.

"What do you want, Clint?" she asked.

"It's Maria. She's in medical. She has a high fever."

Natasha wasted no time in leaving the room and sprinted toward medical.

Her heart was pounding.

"Oh God, please help her!" she cried.

* * *

Anna was in the room, sitting next to Maria, who had a face mask over her tiny face as well as an IV. She looked worn out, but was intent on staying until either Steve, Natasha, or both of them showed up.

Steve eventually arrived, with Natasha not too far behind him. While he stayed out in the hallway to talk to Dr. Anderson, Natasha went straight into the room.

"What happened?" Steve asked once he caught his breath.

"According to Clint, she woke up coughing and wheezing," Dr. Anderson explained.

"How long has she been like this?"

"I brought her in here about 5 minutes ago when I figured out she had a fever," Clint answered as he came forward with 2 cups of coffee. Steve took one of them and began to drink it to stay awake. The other one he assumed was for Natasha.

"I have her on a respirator, but it doesn't look good," Dr. Anderson said.

"Do you think its heart failure?" Steve asked.

"It could be that, and also pneumonia," Dr. Anderson responded.

"Is she going to make it through the night?" Clint asked.

"I'm not sure. Right now, I've done everything I can. We just have to pray."

Both Steve and Clint nodded as Dr. Anderson readied another IV.

Upon entering the room, Steve handed Natasha the cup of coffee since she was struggling to stay awake. He then pulled up the other chair in the room and placed it next to Natasha. He then sat down and put his arm around her as she sipped the coffee. With tired eyes, she watched Dr. Anderson change Maria's IV fluids and listened to the chirping of the heart monitor beside her bed, indicating that their baby was still breathing.

"Dear God, please help her live. It's not her time yet. Please don't take her from me!" she cried as she took Maria's tiny hand in hers.

* * *

About a half hour later, things took a turn for the worse.

Natasha had fallen asleep, resting her head on Maria's bed. She awoke when she heard Dr. Anderson whispering to Steve.

"She must've died in her sleep. I'm so sorry, Captain. My condolences."

"Condolences?" she thought to herself. "No, it couldn't be."

"Doctor. Is she…" She couldn't finish as the tears began.

Dr. Anderson nodded his head as he came to her and wrapped his arms around her.

She was sobbing heavily.

"Why? Why? Why?" she pleaded. "Why did God let this happen?"

"I wish I had the answers, Natasha. I wish I did," Dr. Anderson soothed as he rubbed her back. Steve then left the room to inform everyone else.

When he came back, Natasha was sitting in the chair, holding her lifeless baby close to her chest. Anna came forward first and knelt down in front of her.

"Natasha, I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to experience loss."

"No you don't!" She sobbed. "You're too young."

"No, I'm not. I lost a friend four years ago. I never even got to say 'good-bye,'"she said. She then squeezed Natasha's shoulder and stood up. Tears were forming in her eyes as the memories of her friend came back to her. He had cerebral palsy and was recovering from a recent surgery that he had. She had found out about his death while on the way to a festival with her family.

Once Clint had stayed a few minutes to comfort Natasha, he left the room to go and offer whatever comfort he could to Anna,

After Steve was done saying their good-bye's, Dr. Anderson took the baby from Natasha's arms and left the room to prepare her for burial.

Steve held Natasha tightly in his arms as hot and heavy tears streamed down her face and even soaked a small section of his shirt. They were the only two left in the room.

"I just don't get it Steve!" she sobbed. "Why did she have to die? She didn't even have a chance to grow up!" 

"I don't know, Nat. I wish I did," Steve soothed. 

"I don't want a family anymore. Not if God is going to keep taking them away. It's not worth it anymore!" 

"Nat, please," Steve pleaded.

"No!" 

And with that, she stormed out of the medical bay. 

* * *

They slept in separate rooms that night. 

When they both emerged the following morning, neither of them spoke a word to each other. They even sat away from each other. 

For the first five minutes or so, no one said anything. They didn't know what to say. Also, they were extremely tired since they didn't go back to bed until about 5:00 in the morning. Finally, Anna stood up and picked up a bouquet of flowers that were sitting next to her on the couch. She then walked over to the other couch where Natasha had chosen to sit. 

"I'm so sorry," she said as she handed the flowers to Natasha, who looked at them with tired and teary eyes. 

"I'm sorry for lashing out at you in medical," Natasha responded as she set the flowers down. She then stood up and Anna wrapped her arms around her.

"She's in a better place now," Anna soothed.

"I know. I just don't understand why she had to die."

"I wish I had the answers, Nat. Believe me, I wish I did."

Later that evening after a small dinner of leftovers from the previous night, a small vigil for Maria was held outside. Natasha was the most emotional of all when she said her words, but they came from the heart.

* * *

The minute the funeral was over and everyone was in bed, Natasha immediately went to her office and locked the door. Tomorrow she would ask Coulson for solo mission that allowed her to be off-grid for hopefully a long period of time.

She didn't want to be with anyone.

She wanted to be by herself.

She wanted a solo mission, just like the days before she became an Agent of SHIELD.

As of right now, she was no longer Natasha Romanoff, child of the one true King.

Instead she was Natasha Romanoff, Black Widow, Level 9 SHIELD agent.

God meant nothing to her anymore.

Only SHIELD did.

* * *

About a couple hours later, she heard someone turning a key into her office door. Steve walked in and looked at her.

"You OK?"

"Tired," she responded.

Very gently, Steve gathered Natasha into his arms and carried her to their room.

After pulling the covers up over shoulders, he said on the edge of the bed and watched her drift off to sleep. He then found himself staring out the window. It was raining, but it wasn't a loud rain.

"God, if you're still there, please wrap your arms around Natasha during this difficult time. She needs you right now, and so do I."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The friend that Anna is referring to is actually a true story for me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Confession time. I am not good at writing characters when they are angry. If you want to read someone's stories that do, then read the "Heart of the Storm" series by thegraytirgress. Believe me, she can write!
> 
> Anyway, enjoy this next chapter. Oh and by the way, you'll meet her more in chapter 5, but Agent Bennett is actually named after thegraytigress.

Coulson was somewhat surprised to see Natasha standing in the doorway of his office. She was already dressed as if she was going on a mission, except 2 things were missing. The first was the Widow's Bite and the second was her cross necklace. It was instead replaced by the necklace that Steve had given her many years ago. Ever since Natasha got a cross necklace from Anna, she almost never took it off, until now.

"Romanoff?" he asked when she entered. She looked angry.

"Coulson, I need a mission. Now!" she demanded.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. I need to get out of here."

"Romanoff, you're grieving. You need time to-"

"I don't need time!" she snapped.

"Yes you do. You've never dealt with this before."

"Yes I have!"

"Natasha, please listen. You need time before you go back out in the field. I can't send you out and have you get killed because you're distracted," Coulson said toning down his voice.

"Sir, last time I checked, I am quite capable of handling myself. Now give me a mission or I'm resigning!" she said pounding her fist on his desk.

Coulson sighed as he motioned for Natasha to sit down. She did, and with her arms folded across her chest, she watched as Coulson pulled a file from his desk.

"I was going to give this to you and Clint when you were ready. It's not meant to be done alone," Coulson explained still holding onto the file.

"Sir, I'm an assassin. I've been trained. I can handle it," Natasha said sternly.

Coulson was not too happy about what was happening. Yes, Natasha was right. She was an assassin and she had been trained to handle dangerous missions. But this one? He wasn't sure about. It was the most dangerous mission in the history of SHIELD.

She had no idea what she was getting herself in to.

"Natasha, please understand. This mission is very dangerous. Other agents have tried and have failed," he said trying to talk her out of it.

"I won't fail, Coulson. I've been trained not to."

"Natasha-" Coulson stopped when Natasha glared angrily at him. She even began to pull her gun.

Realizing he wasn't getting anywhere, he handed her the file. Without saying even saying "thank you," she stormed out of his office and slammed the door, causing Coulson to jump in his seat.

Once he gained his composure, he got on his phone and dialed a number.

"Hello?"

"Agent Bennett, It's time. I repeat, it's time."

"Copy that, Agent. ETA?"

"12 hours." He then hung up the phone and leaned back in his chair.

* * *

As quickly as she could, Natasha packed a few belongings into a duffel bag. She was thankful no one was around, otherwise she would have to tell them what was going on and she really didn't want to. They could find out from Coulson if they wanted to. Right now, she just wanted to get off base and onto where her mission was. However she didn't even read the file yet. She just took it and left.

When she was eventually packed, she headed out to the hangar, boarded a jet, and took off. It's a good thing Clint taught her how to fly one after the battle of New York. Otherwise there would've been some big problems.

Putting the plane on auto-pilot, she pulled the file from her duffel and skimmed it for a location.

"Perfect," she said to herself as she stared at the location.

It was far away from SHIELD and far away from Steve and Clint.

She then pulled up the navigator on the plane's dashboard and typed in the coordinates for where she was going, a small island country near Saudi Arabia.

More specifically.

Bahrain.

* * *

"What do you mean, alone?" Clint asked when Coulson called him into his office when he got back from his errand.

"She wanted a solo mission, Clint. I couldn't argue with her. She was ready to resign and even kill me," Coulson responded.

"So she just took the file and left. Didn't even call one of us?"

"Yep," Coulson responded. Clint then let out a deep sigh as he leaned back in the chair that he was sitting in.

"I just hope she comes back in one piece," he finally said.

"Me too, Clint. In the meantime, pray for her too. I think she's also given up on God, and that's probably why she wanted a solo mission. She wanted a distraction."

"She what?"

"She wasn't wearing her cross necklace when she came in, and you and I both know that she never takes it off," Coulson responded.

Unable to find the words to say, Clint nodded and quietly left Coulson's office as tears started to form in his eyes.

"Oh God. Please help my partner. Keep her safe on this mission that she is on. Most importantly, please help her to rediscover who you are," he said once he was outside Coulson's office.

He then went to find Steve and Anna to tell him the news.

* * *

Steve and Anna weren't too happy when Clint told them. They were all gathered in Room 3 to discuss what was going on.

"When was the last time she was on a solo mission?" Anna asked.

"I can't remember. Ever since New York, she never wanted to be by herself," Clint answered.

"What prompted this?" Steve asked.

"Coulson said she needed a distraction. Oh, and he thinks she abandoned God because she wasn't wearing her cross necklace when she went in," Clint explained.

A few tears formed in both Steve's and Anna's eyes, but they wouldn't let them fall. Not now at least.

"I guess the only thing there is to do in this situation is to pray for her," Anna said a few seconds later.

"Agreed," Steve said.

"Anna, if she ever does come around, she might go to you first since she trusts you," Clint said.

"I'll do my best, Clint. But I don't want to get killed. I know how lethal she can get if someone tries to push her," Anna said.

"She won't kill you. She might shut you out, but she won't kill you," Clint reassured her. Anna sighed and left the room.

"Clint, did Coulson say where the mission was located?" he asked.

"No. SHIELD protocol states that if an agent is on a solo mission, the location cannot be disclosed until after the mission is complete," Clint explained.

Steve let out a sigh and left the room to head to the gym.

Meanwhile, Clint stayed behind. He was worried about his partner. She had never ever been on a solo mission since he brought her to SHIELD. She never wanted one. She always liked to work with someone so she could have backup.

Taking a couple of deep breaths, he left the room and got out his bible to ease his mind.

* * *

Worried didn't even begin to describe how Steve was feeling about all of this.

He was scared.

Scared for her.

She was on a mission by herself. Worst of all, she abandoned the one person that held her together even when he or Clint couldn't be with her. There was nothing he could do. Even if he asked Coulson to allow him to go and if Coulson said "yes," she wouldn't want him there.

He stayed in the gym for hours, punching a punching bag until his knuckles were callused and the bag had come loose from its hook.

Not bothering to pick it up, he grabbed a water bottle from the fridge that was located in the training room and sat in a chair and sipped on it until it was about half gone. He then picked up the bag and put it back on the hook and left the room.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter I told you that Agent Bennett is thegrraytigress. You'll see more of her throughout the story, including a somewhat intense action sequence. I wasn't planning on using her until my final story in this series, but I changed my mind.

Natasha landed the jet with ease at the SHIELD base in Manama, Bahrain. Along her 12-hour journey, she read more in depth on what she was to do.

Coulson was right, this was a dangerous mission.

She was to pose as a student in this special academy that trained new female recruits. The academy got on SHIELD's radar when the girls were being sent to fight for an unknown individual. The only evidence that SHIELD had was that the girls were either turning up dead within a week of being sent out. The file also listed the names of other SHIELD agents that have tried and failed. One of the names that was on the list but wasn't dead was Agent Margaret Bennett. She had managed to escape and go through a lengthy recovery process before returning to the field.

Natasha also learned that Bahrain was the same place of a mission that took place back in 2008. Nothing much was said except that Agent Melinda May, one of the agents that was a part of it, was emotionally scarred for an unknown reason. Natasha knew who Agent May was, but never worked with her.

"Greetings, Agent Romanoff," she said as Natasha walked down the ramp of her jet. "I'm Agent Margaret Bennett, level 10 SHIELD agent. Welcome to Bahrain," she said shaking her hand.

"Nice to meet you Agent Bennett," Natasha responded. "How did you know I was coming?" she asked as the two of them walked inside the base.

"Agent Coulson told me you were coming. I will be overseeing your mission into the academy," Agent Bennett explained. "Umm, do you have a partner with you?"

"No. I came alone," Natasha answered.

"Care to explain?"

"I needed a solo mission to myself," Natasha answered getting a little irritated at the questions.

"Suit yourself. Have you read the file yet?"

"Yes. I understand I'm supposed to enroll in this academy as a new student?" Natasha asked.

"Yes, and you have already been enrolled. However the academy doesn't prefer to use names, so your ID number is 2251422." Agent Bennett explained. A worried look appeared on her face. In all of her years of working for SHIELD and even when she trained in the Red Room, she was never referred to as a number.

Swallowing her fear, she continued to follow Agent Bennett down the hall.

"So, when do I start?" she asked as the two of them rounded a corner.

"Tomorrow. Right now we are heading to medical for a physical exam. Later in the day, you have a training session with my husband, Ray, and then we'll send you out in the morning."

Natasha was not too thrilled when she heard that she had to have a physical exam. They were never her favorite. They always dredged up one too many memories of when she was in the Red Room.

"Don't worry about the exam, I'll be the one giving it to you, along with one of the nurses," Agent Bennett said when she noticed Natasha's worried look.

"Thank you. Umm, what am I supposed to do if I get sent out? You know, to fight the enemy?"

"Comply with their orders, stay alive, and defeat him. If you resist, they will kill you," Agent Bennett answered.

"I'll do my best then not to get sent out."

"Don't hide your skillset. You are a very gifted agent, Natasha. I saw you and the rest of the Avengers during the battle of New York. Who knows, maybe you could actually complete this mission."

"I just don't know if I would be good enough to get sent out. I can't even use my Widow's Bite anymore. Also, I only have one hand," Natasha said as she held up her prosthetic hand.

"I did read about both of those things in your debriefing file that Coulson sent me a couple days ago. You'll be OK. Just don't let them see your hand. They'll kill you for sure if they see that you are handicapped."

Natasha somewhat relaxed at that. But it didn't last long. The minute Agent Bennett opened the door to the medical bay, her heart rate picked up its pace.

Swallowing her fear and taking a couple of deep breaths, she walked further in and was given a hospital gown to change in to.

* * *

The physical exam was very similar to the one that she receiver yearly back in DC. She guessed it was very important that she was in good health, however Natasha knew that she was never in good health. The miscarriage, being held by Ivan for an entire month, being knocked out by the Widow's Bite, and most recently, nearly losing all of her memory due to being hit in the head by Steve's shield had caused her health to somewhat decrease.

Things turned when Agent Bennett announced that she wanted to inject her with a chemical into her body.

"Not another chemical," she thought to herself. "My body's already intoxicated enough as it is." Those thoughts were quickly drowned out by thoughts of Ivan and the Red Room. She had been injected by Ivan numerous times when she was in the Red Room and when he held in Russia nearly a year ago.

"We call it a beta-blocker. It might help block the chemicals that would be injected into you at the academy," Agent Bennett explained as she took Natasha's hand.

More thoughts were forming in Natasha's head. This academy was beginning to sound like the Red Room.

"Has the chemical been tested on other agents?" she asked.

"You are the second. It was used on me when I tried to complete this mission. The reason that I failed is because I was severely injured while fighting the enemy. I was able to get out," Agent Bennett answered. That didn't exactly make Natasha feel at ease. She was still nervous about the fact that more chemicals would be going into her body, causing her toxicity level to go up. Dr. Anderson had told a few days before the Widow's Bite incident that if her toxicity level got any higher, the affects would be severe.

"Any side effects?" Natasha asked as she once again swallowed her fear.

"You're going to feel fatigued for an hour or so. I'm going to then bring you to your temporary quarters so you can be comfortable while your body adjusts to something new," Agent Bennett answered.

"Does Coulson know about this?"

"Yes, and I've read all of your medical history so I know that you don't do well with injections. That's why I'm going to move you out of medical after it's injected."

Natasha nodded hesitantly as a nurse prepared the syringe. She then handed it to Agent Bennett and left the room, leaving Natasha and Agent Bennett alone.

With caution, Agent Bennett injected the beta blocker into her right arm. She didn't want to inject it into her left arm to prevent any muscle spasms.

Natasha felt her body relax as the needle was pulled from her vein. She still held onto Agent Bennett's hand as she let sleep claim her.

"Successful, " she said to herself. She then lifted Natasha off of the examination table and carried her to her temporary quarters. She was then planning to stay with her until she woke up so that she wouldn't be alone.

Once she was settled into the bed and was under the covers, she began a small prayer.

"LORD, it's kind of hard to tell if Natasha is a believer, but I hope that she is and that she will trust that you will be with her on this mission. If she isn't a believer, I pray that someone either my husband, someone back in DC, or myself can be a witness to her and tell her about who you are. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Upon finishing her prayer, she quickly ran to her office to get her laptop so she could work on some field reports.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As of last chapter, we are now in phase 2. There are 2 more chapters before phase 3 begins. Lastly, the italics are meant to be said in Russian.

Oomph.

Natalia's head hit the pillow. She couldn't see. A hand was covering her face. They were taking her somewhere. She had been in this room before. It wasn't new to her, but it was horrifying. Whatever they injected into her hurt. It caused her pain. Pain she could do nothing against except scream. It was like her body was on fire.

The bed eventually stopped moving. Natalia could now see who was surrounding her. One face that she immediately recognized was Ivan Petrovich, her father turned torturer. How many more times was she going to do this to her?

 _"Let's begin,"_ he said. His assistant, the one who was holding her hand over Natalia's face, came closer to Natalia. She pushed the needle into her vein. A smile was on hers and Ivan's faces.

Natalia screamed loudly when the needle penetrated her skin. The chemical was flowing rapidly through her tiny body. The next thing she knew, she couldn't move her arms and legs. She tried to sit up, but it was like someone put a heavy weight on top of her. Was this a different chemical that Ivan had used on her? Would she never be able to walk again?

Finally, she was able to feel her arms and legs again. She could move. She tried to sit up, but a heavy hand forced her back down. Another needle was penetrating her skin, along with another scream from her mouth.

 _"Enough!"_ Ivan shouted as he gripped her arm tightly. When he released his grip, a tiny black and blue mark was beginning to form.

The next thing she knew, her arms and legs were being restrained to the bed. Someone also covered her mouth with a piece of tape. What were they doing to her? How much more could they do to her.?

Unable to move or even make a sound, Natalia closed her eyes and surrendered to whatever Ivan was doing to her.

Her relief didn't last long.

Cruel fingers were forcing her eyes open. Tape was then put on top of them to keep them that way. She tried to fight back, but her little body had no energy.

She was at Ivan's mercy.

* * *

 

Natasha came awake with a loud gasp, but hands forced her down. Ivan's hands. She tried to fight back, but a calm voice began to speak.

"Easy, Natasha. It's OK."

Natasha couldn't relax. The need to sit up was urgent. She couldn't breathe. She tried once again to sit up. This time, no once forced her down. However, once the second she was upright, the room began to spin. Her heart rate was up. She collapsed back down on the pillow.

A hand wrapped around hers. Was it Clint's? Was it Steve's? No, it was a woman's hand. Anna?

Unable to process who it was, she closed her eyes and let sleep claim her.

Hands once again shook her awake. Were they Ivan's? No, he would not be that gentle on her.

"Natasha?" a soft voice asked. It was Agent Bennett, and that's when she realized where she was. She wasn't in Ivan's lab. She was in her private quarters of the SHIELD base on Bahrain. Her covers were pulled up to her chest. Agent Bennett still held her hand in hers.

"How long?" Natasha asked.

"About an hour and a half," Agent Bennett answered. Natasha slowly sat up. The room was still spinning, but not as much as before.

What had this chemical done to her?

Agent Bennett handed her a cup of water with a straw. With a shaky hand, she lifted it up to her lips and sucked on the straw. The water tasted good to her dry throat.

"Did it work? The chemical?" she asked once she finished the cup.

"We won't know until you complete the mission. All I can say is that the chemical was injected successfully and your body is responding well."

Natasha sighed a sigh of relief, but she wasn't completely relieved.

What if the chemical didn't work? What if she went to complete her mission and was killed. What if she never saw Steve and Clint again? How would they react to her being gone? How would Coulson and Anna react?

Ignoring the thoughts that flooded her head. Natasha slowly began to get up from the bed and changed into some different clothes. She then went to go get dinner with Agent Bennett.

"Natasha, may I ask you something?" Agent Bennett said hallway through the meal.

Natasha really wasn't up for having a conversation, especially with someone that she hardly knew. Also, she was still trying to wake up from being asleep for an hour, which wasn't' even sleep because she had a nightmare. Still she agreed to talk for a few minutes. She was then going to bed to get some much needed sleep.

"Umm, I don't mean to be rude, but are you a believer in Christ?" Agent Bennett asked.

Natasha looked at Agent Bennett with stern eyes. Why was she of all people asking this kind of question? If she would've known that this was what the conversation was about, she would've said no to having it in the first place.

"I used to be," she reluctantly answered. "Then life happened and I gave up on God."

"Why did you give up?"

Natasha didn't really want to talk about this at all. It hurt her too much to even think about it. Also, this was none of Agent Bennett's business.

"I'm getting what I deserve, God's wrath. God is punishing me for all of the red in m ledger," she answered. And with that, she quickly got out and stormed out of the room with her tray.

Agent Bennett put her head down and sighed. Now she knew specifically to pray for. She would pray that Natasha would rediscover who God was and come back to him.

After finishing her meal, she took her tray to the disposal and went to her office to continue working on reports.


	7. Chapter 7

Once Natasha has "cooled" down from her last conversation, she made her way to the training room. According to Agent Bennett, she would work out with her husband, Ray Bennett, hopefully get a good night's sleep, and then head out to the academy in the morning. As far as what she was going to do after the training session, she was just going to take things slow. Agent Bennett also recommended that she should call back to the team in DC and let them know how she was doing. In all honesty, Natasha really didn't want to talk to anyone back home. She didn't want to answer questions about why she was alone or why she abandoned God.

After checking her phone for messages, of which some were from Steve, a couple from Clint, and one from Anna, she put her phone on silent and left for the training room, not responding to any of the incoming messages. She would deal with them when she got done with her mission; that is if she made it out alive.

The training room was very similar to the training room back in DC, except it looked fairly empty. Natasha guessed that most of the equipment was moved out of the way so she could do her training session with Agent Ray, who was sitting in the center of the room and on his tablet. He would be Natasha's trainer for the next hour.

Natasha was somewhat nervous about this session. The last time that she was in a training room, she was knocked out by the Widow's Bite and since then, never set foot in one again. The first half hour of today's workout however wasn't training with the bite. Instead, it would be as SHIELD called it, physical work (punches, kicks, and flips), which is what she liked best, specially with the bite. Oh well, those days were now over. Hopefully Anna was getting a good use of out them. The last half hour of her training session would be shooting practice, which was her second favorite thing to do in combat. Even though she had a prosthetic left hand, she was still capable of holding two guns and shooting either at targets or enemies.

"Greetings, Agent," Agent Ray said smiling.

"Hello, Agent Ray." Natasha replied softly.

"So, are you ready to see if you can be me in hand-to-hand combat?" he asked.

Natasha narrowed her eyes at him. Heck yeah she was ready. Before Agent Ray could even blink, Natasha grabbed his wrist and flipped him over her shoulder. He landed on his back.

"OK, I'll take that as a yes," Agent Ray said he looked up at Natasha's face. She then extended her hand out and helped him to his feet.

"Sorry, haven't done that in a long time. Didn't mean to scare you," Natasha answered.

"That's OK. At least I now have an idea of how lethal you are."

"Just wait until I get started," she teased.

For the next half hour, the two agents practiced various punches, kicks and flips. All of which resulted in Agent Ray ending up on the ground. As for Natasha, it was just like old times, except without the Bite. It felt wield not wearing it. It was like something was missing from her uniform.

It was what made her the Black Widow.

The half hour ended abruptly when she caught Agent Ray off guard. Using the wall as leverage, she jumped him and forced him to the ground, landing on top of him with her wrist pinned on his neck, as if she was going to cut off his oxygen supply. Minutes later, she released her grip and then stood up. He then painfully got up and they walked to the shooting range.

Just like the physical work, the shooting range was a piece of cake. Natasha managed to empty two magazines of bullets at one target and fake dummy bodies. She even nailed Agent Ray in the shoulder, although it was only a bruise.

"Please don't tell me you injure Agent Barton when you practice with him," Agent Ray said as he was applying ice to his shoulder.

"Oh all the time," she teased.

The final phase of her workout was putting the two things together.

However disaster struck.

The plan was for her to jump off a ledge, roll into a summersault, and then shoot at a target until her gun was empty. The jump was perfect, but when she went to summersault, she put too much pressure on her left hand and it cracked, causing a sharp pain to go up her arm.

Agent Ray immediately ran to her when she screamed from the pain. He carefully removed the hand from where it joined at her wrist, helped her to her feet, and walked her over to a chair to sit down until her arm stopped throbbing. He then left the training room to get another ice pack, a pain reliever, and his wife to come help her.

Upon returning, things didn't look so good. Natasha had fallen forward and off the chair from the pain. Tears were falling from her eyes. Acting quickly, Agent Bennett injected a numbing medicine into her arm. The pain immediately let up, but Natasha was still a bit fatigued. Agent Bennett helped her to her feet and led her back to her room to lay down and rest.

"We'll delay your departure by a couple hours tomorrow so you can get some rest. t's OK. You'll be alright," Agent Bennett soothed.

Natasha nodded her head as her eyes started to close. All of the training today must've worn her out because within seconds after Agent Bennett stepped into the hallway, Natasha was fast asleep, clutching her necklace from Steve in her hand.

"I think Agent Douglas can fix her hand by tomorrow. I'll take it to him now," Agent Ray said as his wife closed the door to Natasha's room.

"Good. She needs it. I'm going to get my laptop and then I'll stay in her room for awhile to make sure she's OK. Oh, that reminds me, if you get the chance, keep Natasha in your prayers. She abandoned God because she thinks he's punishing her."

"I sure will. She'll need faith and trust in him while on this mission. And now that I think of it, Agent Larsen left a file on your desk. I think he said something about the mission objectives changed, but I'm not sure."

A worried look appeared on Agent Bennett's face as her husband turned away and walked toward the science lab. Why would the mission objectives change now? Did another organization take out the enemy? Did someone at the academy get sent out and was successful in killing him?

Swallowing her fear, she turned to the right and headed toward her office to pick of the file and her laptop


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this chapter marks the end of phase 2.

Agent Ray was right.

The mission objectives have changed. Natasha was no longer going into the academy as a student. Instead, she would be going straight to where the enemy was located, for he had taken all of girls as hostages. Her mission was to go in, defeat the enemy, and get the hostages out. SHIELD would then do the rest, meaning they would help the girls get back to living normal lives.

When Agent Bennett entered Natasha's room the following morning, Natasha was sitting up in bed and scrolling through her phone, reading yet more messages from Steve and Clint. She put her phone down when Agent Bennett sat down on the bed.

"Natasha, I have bad news," she said as she handed her the file.

Natasha opened the file and began to skim it over. Tears were forming in her eyes as she stared at each of the hostages' faces. Some looked very young and some looked like they were in their teens.

"Is it true?" she asked with tears.

"I'm afraid so. He's holding each and every one of them. We have no idea what he's doing to them. We don't know if he's torturing them, brainwashing them, or just holding them hostage. I'm waiting on my source to update me," Agent Bennett explained.

"Your source?"

"Yeah, I have an agent there now who's been working undercover for a few months now. She keeps me posted on what's going on."

Natasha continued to flip through the file. Then she froze. The person who was holding the girls hostage was a descendent of her sworn enemy, Ivan Petrovich.

She let the file drop out of her hands and land on the bed, a few papers spilled out as she looked Agent Bennett straight in the eyes.

"Natasha, are you OK?"

Natasha could hardly speak. She thought the Red Room went down when Clint took out Ivan. Now some guy named Igor Shostakov was running it with someone. His students were the girls from the academy.

"Natasha? Talk to me. What's wrong?"

Natasha still couldn't speak. The nightmares of Ivan and the Red Room were coming back to her and flooding her mind. With a shaky hand, she picked up her phone, opened the notes app, and typed a message: THIS IS THE RED ROOM. IT'S BACK. She then handed the phone to Agent Bennett for her to read, who then typed a message back that said: I KNOW. ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN HANDLE IT?

She could barely get the word out, but she answered yes. She was going to make sure that this branch of the Red Room went down, and she was going to see it with her own eyes.

With adrenaline pumping through her veins, she got up from her bed and quickly got ready, making sure he guns were working properly. She then rushed out the room and headed to the terminal to take her jet to the location where Igor was holding the girls.

* * *

Within 2 hours, she made it to the house where the girls were being held. Her plan was to sneak in the back, find Igor, and then take him out with every bullet that she had with her. She would then bring the hostages back to the base, and then head back to DC to face reality, of which she was not ready to face.

What would she do now that her daughter was dead? There was no sense in trying to get pregnant again. Her body was just kill the babies, just like it killed her twins. On another note, how many more solo missions would Coulson give her? Would he eventually force her to go with Clint or Steve? Or would he let her continue to go solo until she was ready. Thirdly, what about God? No, there was no questions about that. She was done with God.

Once she made sure she had enough bullets, she left the jet and slowly walked to the house. One of the things that she was known for was sneaking up on her enemies without them noticing and then taking them out. Ivan, Clint, and Steve had taught her that, and they taught her well.

This Igor guy was going to get the surprise of his life.

As she neared the house, she could hear girls screaming loudly as if they were in pain. It instantly reminded her of the numerous screams that escaped her lips from Ivan torturing her, nightmares that would wake anyone in the base, or from being injured during a mission.

OK, forget sneaking up on him, she had to take Igor our as quickly as she could and get out of here.

* * *

Igor was watching from the front door. Someone was coming toward the house. She had red hair, was dressed in black, and had two guns on her hips.

"Romanoff." He thought to himself. He then walked to the front door to open it.

He was not going to let her take him out.

He was going to take her out, but not right away.

He had plans for her and her future in the Red Room. He would make her into what Ivan had wanted to make her to be.

He would make sure that she became the Black Widow, the world's deadliest assassin.

And no one could save her.

Not even SHIELD.

"Agent Romanoff," he said when he opened the door. "I've been expecting you."

"Let them go!" she demanded as she drew her gun.

'Now why would I do that?" he asked. "I'm trying to save this program!" He then reached out to grab her chin. "And you, my dear, would be a great addtion." 

Natasha let the gun fall to the ground as she tried to pull away, but Igor's grip grew tighter. 

"Never!" she hissed. She then pulled away and ran.

She would have to find another way to kill him;

She didn't get very far.

Igor came up from behind her and tackled her to the ground. He then grabbed her by her hair and hauled her to her feet. 

He then began to drag her back toward the house. 

"No! Don't do this to me! I won't submit to you" she shouted.

"You're mine, Black Widow, and you chose to come here, and you've already submitted yourself to me!" he shouted back.

"I did not! I came to kill you!' 

"Ha! Good luck with that!" 

She reached out and grabbed the door frame, hoping to anchor herself and prevent Igor from dragging her inside, however her grip wasn't tight enough.

Igor eventually managed to pull her inside and push her to the floor. Her head made a loud thud when it hit the floor, almost like when she was hit with Steve's shield. 

And she blacked out. 


	9. Chapter 9

Everyone was losing sleep over Natasha being gone on a solo mission. Coulson still wouldn't reveal where she went or what her objectives were because of SHIELD protocol. However he was thinking about breaking that protocol. No one wanted to leave on any type of mission. They were all too worried about Natasha that they wouldn't be able to focus. It's a good thing nothing serious was happening so that made things somewhat easier. On the bright side, Tony appeared one day at random and dropped off some new gear for everyone, including magnetic attachments for Steve so that he could call his shield back to him, electric batons for Natasha, upgraded arrows for Clint, and for Anna, a uniform with the Avengers' logo on both shoulders.

"It seems like you're going to be the new Black Widow since Red's gone," he teased.

"She's not dead yet. Stark. She's just on a solo mission," Steve responded.

"Yeah, yeah whatever. She could've asked me to join her. I mean come on, I'm her favorite right?" he asked. Everyone shook their heads no. Tony just laughed.

"You just don't want to admit it do you? You know she's my favorite."

"Stark!" Clint said pointing an arrow at him. Tony put his hands up in surrender.

"OK. Easy there. Legolas. I'm leaving. Tell Red I said hi, that is if she ever wants to talk to me," Tony said. He then left the base, leaving everyone laughing.

"Is he always like that?" Anna asked.

"Sometimes he's worse than that. He calls me Capsicle or Spangles" Steve responded.

"I'm just thankful he didn't call me one of the names like he did at the half-marathon. I wanted to punch him," Anna joked. 

Just then, Coulson's phone rang and he went to his office to answer it.

"This is Coulson."

"Agent Coulson, this is Agent Bennett from Bahrain. Agent Romanoff has been taken hostage, along with the other girls at the academy."

Coulson nearly dropped the phone on his desk. "Repeat?"

"Agent Romanoff has been taken hostage. Apparently the enemy that we're up against if someone related to her past," Agent Bennett explained.

Coulson could not believe what he was hearing. Natasha was taken hostage.

And the enemy was someone she knew.

This could be disastrous.

"Tell me what you know."

"I'm afraid that's all I know. My source was killed before I could ask." 

"I thought her objectives were to enroll in the academy and then get sent out to eliminate him."

"They were, but they changed when the academy was taken hostage," Agent Bennett answered.

"Did Natasha know that? How did she react to when she found it was someone from her past?"

"She knew. She couldn't speak for a few minutes, but she told me with worlds that she would get it done."

"Now that's the Agent Romanoff I know," Coulson declared.

"Sir, does the team know where she's at?"

"Yeah, about that. I've been thinking about breaking that protocol. Everyone's losing sleep over this."

"Well, if you don't think it will endanger her mission, then I would go ahead and tell them. Maybe one of them could come help her."

"I don't think she would want the help .She told me that she was capable of handling this by herself," Coulson answered.

"Very well, Sir. I'll see if I can learn anymore information. In the meantime, pray that she comes out of this alive."

"Copy that," he then hung up the phone and tossed it on the desk after sending a message to tell everyone to meet him in Room 3.

"Oh dear God, please help her," he said as he left his office.

* * *

"What do you mean taken hostage?" Clint asked.

"I don't know much, Clint, except that whoever's holding her is one of Ivan Petrovich's predecessors.

"It's a miracle he didn't kill her on the spot," Steve said.

"Agreed. He could've. He might be waiting for the right moment."

"Or he could turn her over to his side," Anna suggested.

"Sir, send me out there. I want to find my partner," Clint said.

"No, I'm not sending anyone out. She can handle herself," Coulson answered.

"Sir, I hate to keep asking, but where exactly did you send her?" Anna asked. Coulson looked at the three members of his team with serious eyes. He could tell them now and probably get yelled at, or stick to protocol and not tell them until she came home. Then again, what if she didn't make it out alive? The team would never know where she went. Sighing, he took out his phone and typed one word: BAHRAIN.

Everyone starred with wide eyes at Coulson's phone. No one that they knew of has been to Bahrain since 2008.

"Isn't that were the Cavalry went like seven years ago or something like that?" Clint asked,

"Don't ever call her that, Clint," Anna quickly responded.

"Yes, Clint, it was. Agent Melinda May and I were the welcome wagon, and it went south. Agent Flannigan, care to elaborate?" Anna then went on to explain that Agent May went in by herself to rescue some hostages. However one of them had to be killed.

Agent May couldn't save her.

She was inhuman.

"So that's why she left the field," Clint responded.

"Yeah, she never even told me what went down in there," Coulson answered. Everyone nodded that they understood.

"So let me see if I get this straight. The day after Maria dies, Natasha comes into your office, demands a solo mission, threatens to resign, leaves on the mission, and then gets captured by someone from her past?" Steve asked.

"Igor Shostakov was never around during Natasha's time in the Red Room. He lived his life as a hermit deep in the Russian countryside. My guess is that he somehow found out about Ivan being killed, came out of hiding, and reopened the Red Room, hoping to finish what Ivan started. And yes, that's basically it," Coulson explained.

"Question, was this mission supposed to be a solo mission in the first place?" Clint asked.

"No, I wanted to send you with her, however that's before I knew it had Red Room connections," Coulson answered. Everyone stared at Coulson in disbelief.

"You mean to tell me that the mission was supposed to be something else?" Steve asked.

"Yes. She was supposed to enroll at this female training academy, and then get sent out by them to eliminate the enemy. The objectives changed the day before she left," Coulson explained as calmly as he could. He could clearly that his team was getting irritated at him.

"Let me guess. This training academy is the Red Room?" Anna asked.

"Guys, I don't know how Shostakov got involved. I don't even know how he knew who Natasha was. All I know is that he's holding Natasha and other girls as his hostages. My only guess is that he was the enemy that the academy wanted eliminated. He never revealed himself until now."

Steve sighed as he leaned back in his chair. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his pocket watch that he always had with him. Ever since he and Natasha got married, he had removed Peggy's picture and replaced it with Natasha's. Tears started to form in his eyes as he stared at the picture. She was smiling and her hair was shining from the sunlight.

He wondered if he would ever see that smile ever again.

"Keep your heads up, guys. She'll be alright."

"She won't be knowing that the Red Room is involved. Please, Sir, send me out after her," Clint said.

"No, and that's a direct order, Agent Barton. No one is going after her," Coulson answered. Clint shot him a disgusted look, then left the room, slamming the door behind him, causing everyone to flinch in their seats.

After taking a breath and saying a silent prayer, everyone resumed what they had been doing before the meeting. Meanwhile, Clint had made his way to the shooting range.

* * *

Clint was furious as he fired arrow after arrow at the target.

That was the second time in his career as a SHIELD agent that someone had given him a direct order, and the first time that an order was to not go after his partner. If he had been with Natasha like originally planned, they could've eliminated Shostakov together. He would've comforted her as she fought her demons and battled her emotions, More importantly, he could've made sure she didn't get captured.

As he continued to fire arrows, he contemplated disobeying Coulson's order and going after her He disobeyed the first direct order when he was supposed to kill her, and he was ready to do it again. Natasha was his partner and he and almost everyone knew that the Red Room made her uneasy.

He made up his mind in about 30 seconds.

He was going to do it.

He would disobey another direct order.

If and when both of them made it out alive, they would then face Coulson and possible termination of their careers after going off-grid for as long as they needed to, just like they did when he spared her six years ago. He took her to his apartment to help her somewhat recover from what the Red Room had done to her, physically and emotionally.

He wasn't in the air for more than 2 minutes when his cell phone went off. It was a text from Laura, his wife, telling him to come home because everyone in the family was sick, including her.

Quickly making a decision, he decided go home and take of his family.

After that, if Natasha was still not back, he would go after her.


	10. Chapter 10

When Natasha came to, she found herself in a small closet and lying on a cold and uncomfortable floor. "What was Igor planning?" She thought to herself.

There was no light coming in the room.

The door reached all the way down to the floor.

There was no source of light.

She pushed herself up into a sitting position. She then brought her knees up to her chest and waited for something to happen.

How long she sat there she didn't know, but she was scared.

Scared of being alone.

Scared that she couldn't defend herself.

Igor had managed to take away both of her guns and her knife. The one thing he didn't take was the necklace that Steve had given her many years ago.

No matter what he had planned for her, she was going to do everything she could to keep the necklace in her possession.

She clutched the pennant tightly in her right hand and cried silent, but heavy tears. Her thoughts then drifted to Steve. She wished that he was with her on this mission. Maybe she wouldn't have gotten captured. Instead, the two of them could've taken out Igor together and then go home. He could've then been holding her in his strong arms, telling her that everything was going to be OK. She also wished Clint was there. He could've helped her ease away the nightmares that were flooding her mind. Steve knew what she had gone through under the Red Room, but not as well as Clint did.

Clint knew her more and he knew what to do to calm her down.

Her sobs grew louder as she continued to sit there, trying very hard to ignore the fact that she was hungry. She wanted Steve. She wanted Clint. She wanted to be home. She wished she hadn't told Coulson that she wanted a solo mission.

She needed a partner.

"No!" she sobbed to herself as she laid back down. "I can do this. I'm Black Widow. I don't need a partner."

* * *

She must've cried herself to sleep because her eyes instantly opened when the door to the room was being unlocked and opened. She tried to sit up, but she didn't have the strength. Her body was stiff from laying down on the cold, hard floor.

Igor stood in the doorway and frowned at her. He then stepped inside and grabbed her by the arm. She must've been holding onto the pennant of the necklace because she could feel it pull tight against her neck when he grabbed her,

She was forced to walk down a long hallway. Igor was gripping her arm fairly tightly, enough to bruise it. Because he was a few inches taller than her, he was practically dragging her down the hallway and forcing her to match his steps.

She was struggling to keep up with him.

They eventually arrived at their destination, a large, brightly lit room with things all too familiar to her: an examination table, a tray with tools and syringes, people wearing white lab coats, and various machines that beeped all around her.

Igor dragged her into the room and forced her to lay down on the examination table. She tried to resist him, but it was no use.

She was out of energy.

Still she tried as 2 other men restrained her hands and legs to the table.

"Welcome back, Natalia." Igor said surprisingly in English. He then picked up a syringe and took off the cap. "Let's get you back to normal, shall we? Don't worry, it won't hurt." He then jabbed the needle into her arm.

She screamed as whatever Igor injected into her worked its way through her body. She didn't have time to catch her breath as yet another needle was being jabbed into her, followed by a third and a fourth and even a fifth.

Gosh, what where they putting into her?

She lay limp on the table as Igor and his men continued to touch her. She tried to close her eyes and block it out, but her mind was now flooded with memories from when she was last touched like this in the Red Room and when Ivan held her.

Eventually, after what seemed like hours, they stopped touching her. Igor undid the restraints and nearly pulled her off the table. She almost fell to the ground, but Igor made sure she didn't, gripping her hard and forcing her to stand. He then dragged her out of the room and back into the hallway.

To her relief, he didn't take her back to the closet where he first left her, instead he brought her to a smaller room where a woman with blonde hair stood waiting. Natasha couldn't believe her eyes.

Standing in front of her was her sworn enemy, Yelena Belova.

"Nice to see you, Natalia," she said smiling.

"It's Natasha," Natasha replied.

"I prefer Natalia better," Yelena snapped. Igor then pushed Natasha forward into the room.

"You know what to do," he said. He then closed the door and waited.

Yelena's smile grew bigger as she moved toward Natasha. With some effort, she managed to remove her SHIELD uniform, rinse her off in a hot shower, and dress her in tight black outfit that was different from her SHIELD uniform. This one didn't have the SHIELD logos on the shoulders. Also, it was much more of a tighter fitting around her body, thus making it hard to move. Yelena then forced her to sit in chair as she braided her hair into a super tight French braid. Natasha's head was throbbing from the number of times Yelena yanked on her hair.

Once the braid was finished, Yelena knocked on the door, letting Igor know that she was done.

Igor smiled when he looked at Natasha. She now looked like the Black Widow. He then did the unthinkable. He walked right up to her and yanked the necklace right off her neck and put it in the pocket of his lab coat. She wanted to cry as he once again grabbed her by the arm and dragged her out. Yelena followed.

The next room that he took her to was a training room. Natasha knew it was a training room because it was fairly empty, except for a group of girls that were being held hostage. She instantly recognized some of them from Agent Bennett's file.

Leaving her in the middle of the room by Yelena, Igor went to the side where the other girls, who were dressed similar to Natasha were sitting, waiting for what they were to do next.

With a smile on his face, he grabbed one of the girls by the arm, pulled her to her feet, and forced her to the middle of the room in front of Natasha.

"Fight. Let's see what you two are made of!" he ordered as he and Yelena took a few steps back.

Natasha and the girl looked each other in the eyes. She knew this girl. This was the first picture that caught her eye. Her name was Maryia Ivanova. She was 22, same age as Anna.

The two girls narrowed eyes and nodded to each other as they were both taught to do.

The fight was over in five minutes. Igor had ordered Natasha to snap her neck.

She was dead.

A nearby guard came in and dragged the body away. Yelena then came forward.

She was Natasha's next opponent.

The fight began. Both were fierce and fast, but it wasn't enough. Natasha's energy was fading fast, which gave Yelena a big advantage.

Before she could even blink, Yelana had flipped her over her shoulder and she landed hard on her back. She then jumped down on top of her chest and gave her a few good punches to the face.

"Enough. You'll get your chance!" Igor ordered. Yelena then gave her one last punch and left the room, leaving her on the ground to suffer. Meanwhile, Igor turned back to face the girls. "Alright, we're done here. Everyone out. Be in the dining hall by 5:00 sharp, or you will be punished!" he shouted. The girls quickly stood up and left the room.

Igor turned back to Natasha, who was still laying on the ground in pain from being punched by Yelena. Bruises were already forming on her face. Igor then pulled her to her feet.

"You're not going anywhere. I want to continue working with you. I want to make you stronger."

For the next hour, Igor trained her hard, yelling at her when she didn't do something right or when she resisted him. Natasha was worn out and hungry.

She wanted to be done, but Igor wasn't done with her.

Without a warning, he kicked her legs out from under her and she fell to the ground. Just like Yelena did, he immediately dropped down and put his arm across her chest. With his other hand, he punched her in the face, hitting every spot that Yelena had punched her earlier.

He eventually stopped punching her and just held her down, waiting to see if she would try to push him off of her. Then, when he wasn't paying attention, Natasha managed to push herself up and push him off of her, causing him to land on his back. She went to punch him, but her grabbed her wrist and gripped it tightly enough to bruise her. He then pushed her away and to the ground as he stood up, His shadow loomed over her as she lay there, sore from all of the fighting.

Once he had gained his composure and his lab coat was smoothed out, he reached down and grabbed Natasha by the arm, pulling her to her feet.

* * *

The place where he dragged her next was a tiny windowless room with only one bed.

"Lay." He ordered. Natasha did as she was told as he pulled a syringe from his lab coat. "Sleep. You have more work to do tomorrow," he said as he flicked the tip . He then knelt down by the bed so that she was practically looking him in the eye.

"Sweet dreamsm" he said jokingly as he pushed the needle into her wrist. Within minutes, Natasha's eyes were closing, but she managed to register one thought.

Igor had sedated her.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for sterilization procedure.

The sound of clanking metal instantly awoke Natasha from her somewhat dreamless sleep. Her mind was foggy, her head hurt, and she was stiff from both of he fights, more specifically the one with Yelena. "What was making that noise?" she asked herself.

Painfully she rolled to her side, causing the clanking to be louder than before. "Ugh! What is making that noise?" she thought to herself as she settled onto her side. Maybe it was something in the next room over or 2 girls fighting in somewhere else in the house. She then tried to sit up to see if she could hear it better.

Then she saw it.

Handcuffs.

Igor had handcuffed her right wrist to the metal frame of the head of her bed.

Being handcuffed to a bed wasn't new to her. When she was a child, her and other girls in the Red Room were always handcuffed to their beds at night to prevent them from trying to escape. There were some nights where Ivan had to force her tiny wrist into the cuff because of her resistance.

Unable to anything except wait to be uncuffed, she closed her tired eyes and let sleep claim her, or tried to at least.

What must've been a half hour later, or so she thought, she was awakened again by the clanking of the metal as she felt the handcuff being removed from her wrist. She was then pulled from the bed and was forced to sit up.

"Sleep well last night?" a voice asked teasingly. It was Yelena.

Natasha didn't answer as Yelena undid her braid. She then poured a bucket of ice cold water over her head, causing Natasha to start coughing.

Once her coughing stopped, Yelena took a hairbrush and harshly brushed Natasha's hair, forcing Natasha's head to yank backward every time. She then tightly braided it up again, making Natasha's headache even worse than when she woke up.

Once Yelena was finished, she led Natasha out of the small room and into the dining hall.

Natasha still remained silent as the two of them walked. Her mind was lost in everything that was happening to her. She just wanted to be done with this mission. Then again, what would she do? She wasn't ready to face the millions of questions from the team. Nor did she want to talk Christianity with Anna.

* * *

Simple didn't even begin to describe the meal that Yelena had put in front of her. All it contained was bread and water. To make things worse, the bread wasn't even soft. It was stale and hard to bite into. The water wasn't any better. It smelled like rotten eggs and was not pleasant to her dry throat.

The two girls ate in silence. Natasha was too afraid to speak. Her head was also still throbbing from how tightly Yelena had braided her hair. It felt tighter than yesterday's braid.

Finally, Yelena grew tired of the silence and began to taunt Natasha.

"So, miss your little family yet?" she teased. Natasha still didn't answer her. In fact, she looked like she wanted to throw up from the horrible tasting food.

"Oh, I've got a better one for you. How did it feel to be bleeding out from your double miscarriage?"

"How did you know about that?" Natasha hissed as she resisted the urge to throw up.

"Oh I know everything about you, Natalia," Yelena responded smiling.

"It's Natasha!" Natasha snapped.

"Last time I checked, your file says Natalia."

Natasha narrowed her eyes at Yelena.

She was ready to attack.

No one on earth was allowed to call her that. It brought up the countless times that Ivan had forced her to say that to him.

With Yelena starting to cringe in fear, Natasha raised her hand up to punch her in the face. However before her first even got close to Yelena's jaw, Yelena roughly grabbed it and pinned it on the table.

"You can't hurt me, Natalia, but I can hurt you. I can hurt you just like Ivan did during your last captivity. However I'll make sure to do even better," she hissed.

Tears began to form in Natasha's eyes as Yelena continued to pin her wrist to the table. What made it worse was that the place where Yelena was holding it was the same spot where the handcuff had dug into her wrist the night before.

"Let go of me!" Natasha cried.

"Yeah, not gonna happen, little spider," Yelena answered as she dug her nails into Natasha's wrist, which already had small cuts on it from the handcuff.

Finally, Yelena let go. She then stood up from her chair and decked Natasha across the face, causing her face to whip to the side. She then grabbed Natasha by the chin and threw her to the ground.

"I was furious when I found out Ivan was dead. I wanted to find you myself and kill you. Ivan had finally taken interest in me after you left. He found my talent and pulled it out, just like he pulled yours out. So I guess then you going to SHIELD was a good thing for me. Now I am his prized student. I am his black widow," Yelena spoke with a somewhat mean tone.

Still laying on the ground, Natasha used her foot and swiped Yelena's feet out from under her, causing her to fall to the ground. She then jumped on top of her and pinned her to the ground with her forearm.

'You should be thankful Ivan's dead. He nearly killed me. I almost died!" Natasha hissed.

"He would never kill you," Yelena said gasping for air. Natasha pressed down harder. "You were his prized student." With all of her might, she pushed Natasha off of her and the two instantly began fighting.

The fight didn't last long. Natasha had Yelena once again pinned down using her forearm and was about to knock her out with her left hand when someone else's hand wrapped around hers and pulled her away. Yelena then stood up and walked out of the room like nothing had happened.

Meanwhile, Natasha continued to struggle as she managed to see who was holding her. It was Igor, and he was gripping her wrist tightly. Even though he was gripping her left hand, which was her prosthetic hand, there was a good chance that he could snap her wrist.

"You'll pay for this!" he shouted as he dragged her out of the room.

* * *

Natasha found herself back in the same closet that Igor had locked her in when he first captured her. Her back was not any better. In fact, it was worse than before.

As punishment for attacking Yelena, Igor had beaten her with a metal rod more times than she could count. It was just like the numerous times that Ivan had beaten her with the rod, except Igor was more harsh. Each time that Igor hit her, it felt like her back was going to break. He then threw her down on the floor of the closet, and she landed hard on her spine, which is where the majority of Igor's hits were located.

Not only was she in extreme pain, she was also in shock. How in the world did Yelena know about her miscarriage? Even she didn't remember every detail of that traumatic day. The only thing that she remembered was being awakened by a very sharp pain in her abdomen. Then there was red, and lot s of it, just like every drop of red in her ledger.

The thoughts of her miscarriage continued to flood her mind and she began to cry. What made the experience even more frightening was that Steve and Clint didn't tell her right away. They had waited a few days to tell her since they didn't know how she would handle the news. Both of them had apologized to her, but she never forgave them.

Her thoughts continued to drift to baby Maria, her adopted daughter who had died a couple days ago from getting pneumonia. Natasha could picture her growing up and going to school where Anna had gone, training to be an agent of SHIELD, going to college, and finding a man and falling in love, just like she did with Steve.

Now that she was dead, those dreams would never become a reality.

Too exhausted to think anymore, she slipped her eyes closed and fell asleep, still shedding tears and missing her family.

Her sleep didn't last long. The door was thrown open and she was hauled to her feet by Igor.

"Time to see what you are made of," Igor said as he forced her struggling and painful body to keep up with him. She could hardly move because of how sore her back was, and the hard floor of the closet didn't help at all.

For the second day in a row, Igor had taken her to the training room so he could once again assess her skillset. Natasha was somewhat surprised that Yelena was not in the room. She was probably off somewhere training the other hostages or reading more into her backstory so she could taunt her again.

Natasha struggled to fight against Igor. Her back would not cooperate with her. Every kick that she attempted caused a sharp pain to go through her back, causing her to miss her mark. Igor was getting frustrated with her.

She wasn't doing what he wanted her to do.

Eventually the fight ended. Igor had flipped Natasha over his shoulder and onto the ground, instantly knocking her out. Igor then picked her up and carried her to where he wanted to take her next.

* * *

"Natasha?" a voice whispered.

"Clint?" She asked.

"You awake?" he asked as he took her hand in his.

"Yes." She answered. She then tried to sit up, but dizziness took over.

"Easy, Nat. It's OK." Clint soothed as he eased her back down. He then began to rub her forehead since he knew that was one way to ease away a headache. However despite how gentle Clint was being,

she couldn't relax.

She was too shaken.

Something wasn't right.

* * *

Natasha's instantly opened when she felt a hand on her forehead. Was it Clint's? No, it was Yelena's. What was happening to her? Why was Yelena's hand on her forehead?

Glancing around the brightly lit room, she took in her surroundings. She wasn't laying on a soft bed. Instead she was laying on a hard table. Her black uniform that Igor had given her had been replaced with a hospital gown.

This wasn't a dream.

This was real.

"Oh gosh," Natasha mumbled under her breath.

"The super solder serum has ruined our work," a voice spoke. It wasn't Igor's.

"Then do it again. Sterilize her," another voice responded. That was Igor's.

Natasha shuddered as she felt hands touch her leg to position it for the procedure.

This couldn't be happening.

They were going to sterilize her again so that she couldn't get pregnant.

She didn't even want to get pregnant again anyway since she knew she would miscarry again.

But this? The fact that they were going to sterilize her again was traumatizing. Whatever procedure the Red Room had done previously to sterilize her was extremely painful. The last time this happened to her was at graduation. The pain was unbearable. She could hardly sleep that night and the nights following.

Now that she was older, the pain was probably going to be even worse.

It could even kill her and she would never see SHIELD again.

Once her legs were in the position they needed to be and were zip-tied to the frame to keep them that way, the procedure began.

Natasha closed her eyes as she heard the snapping of latex gloves and the sound of surgical packets being opened.

A loud scream escaped her lips as she felt a needle penetrate her skin. Yelena's hand instantly covered her mouth.

"Enough!" Igor shouted. "This will all be over soon. You won't feel a thing."

That was a lie.

Natasha DID feel.

Every needle, hand, and tool that touched her body was painful.

More painful from the first time this happened to her.

For the next half hour, the doctors continued the procedure. Every chemical that was injected into her burned her internally. Hopefully the beta blocker would somewhat spare her from the worst of it. Even if it did, her toxicity level would definitely be up.

Her throat was dry from all of the screaming. She couldn't take it anymore. Would they ever stop? Or would the keep going until they ran out of the chemicals that they needed? She didn't even want to know how many chemicals this procedure required.

She wanted this to be over.

She wanted her body to stop burning.

She wanted the doctors to stop touching her.

Finally they stopped. The last chemical burned the worst. It burned longer than the other ones did. She tried to scream, but she couldn't. Her throat was too dry. The nurse who had restrained her came forward and cut the zip ties with a knife, even cutting into her skin.

The second she was free, she jumped off the table and lunged toward Igor.

"You monster!" she spoke hoarsely as she pinned him to the ground.

Cruel hands, even crueler than Igor's and even crueler than Yelena's, pulled her off of Igor and restrained her while he got to his feet and smoothed out his lab coat. He then decked her roughly across the face not once, but twice.

"Take her to her room!" he ordered. The men who were restraining her nodded their heads as the dragged Natasha out of the examination room. They didn't force her to walk. Instead they just dragged her on the ground like when the medical team dragged an unconscious Clint from the detention level when she knocked him out.

Igor followed the men down the hall with his gun pointed directly at Natasha, ready to shoot her if she tried to do anything to him. She couldn't anyway. The men were gripping her wrists tightly and she was too much in pain to move.

They hauled her to the room where Igor had handcuffed her to the bed the night before. With whatever strength she had, she struggled as the men forced her to lay down on the bed. Igor then got 2 zip ties from his coat pocket and wrapped one around both of her ankles. The men then left the room as Igor handcuffed each of her wrists to the bed, making sure that the right hand was tight enough to nearly cut off her circulation. He then pulled a syringe from his other pocket and sedated her.

* * *

The doctors were cleaning up their work space when Igor came back into the examination room.

"Well, did it work?" he asked.

"Yes. Now she'll never get pregnant, no matter how many time she tries to sleep with Captain America," the doctor answered. Yelena and Igor smiled.

Their work was complete. She then left the room. Tomorrow she was going to fight Natasha to the death.

And Igor was going to watch.


	12. Chapter 12

Natasha awoke the following morning extremely stiff. It felt like someone injected her with a paralyzing chemical. Every part of her body ached, and there was nothing she could do to make it stop.

She was scared.

She wanted Clint or Steve to hold her and ease away her aches and pains, just like they always did.

She tried to relax on the somewhat soft bed, but the handcuff around her right wrist dug deep into her skin. The left cuff was tight as well, but not as tight as the right one. She never knew that handcuffs could be that tight. When Ivan handcuffed her, it didn't dig into her skin. Yes it left a few red marks, but they didn't bleed like her right hand was right now. What made things worse is that Igor had her hands over her head so her shoulders were aching from being extended for a long period of time. Her ankles were sore too, but thankfully Igor didn't make those tight.

Besides the pain from the restraints, her lower abdomen was still sore.

No, sore wasn't even the right word for how she felt.

Her lower abdomen felt like someone had put a lead balloon on top of her and just left it. She had no idea how many chemicals Igor used yesterday when he sterilized her. All of them burned inside her and traveled up into her chest, making breathing difficult to do. Besides the chemicals, the hands that touched her when they did it were not gentle. Igor and the doctors were wearing latex gloves, but their hands were rough against her.

They felt like sandpaper.

She hardly slept last night. The sedative that Igor gave her wore off too quickly because of the other chemicals that were inside of her. Every time she tried to sleep, memories of her being sterilized not once, but twice flooded her mind. Occasionally she would dream of Steve and Clint, but those were quickly drowned out by the bad images.

She had no idea what Igor had in store for her. As of right now, he still hadn't come to unlock her yet. She was still restrained to the bed. Was he planning to leave her in this room forever? Would she ever see SHIELD again? What was he going to do to her? Was he going to inject more chemicals into her to make sure she never got pregnant ever again? No, that couldn't happen, her body couldn't take it anymore. Any chemical now would kill her and she would die, just she had assumed throughout most of her life.

Her mind drifted to the mission and why she was in Bahrain in the first place. Her mission was to still take down Igor and rescue the hostages. Unless he had a change of heart, which was not likely, and if he never came to unlock her from the restraints, she would never complete her mission. The girls would continue through the Red Room and go through the same ordeal that she went through as a child. They would be sterilized so that they would never have children.

She was not about to let that happen. Those girls had no idea what was going to happen to them. She had to get out of this room and she had to kill Igor, no questions asked. In all her years of working for SHIELD, she had never failed a mission, and she was not about to start now.

"I will complete this mission. Then I'll go back and face reality," she declared quietly. She then closed her eyes and patiently and painfully waited.

Waiting was not her favorite thing in the world, but right now, it was the only thing she could do.

* * *

The next time Natasha awoke from a somewhat dreamless sleep, Igor was finally unlocking her chains. First he cut the zip-ties from around her ankles. He then undid the handcuff around her left wrist. He waited a few minutes to undo the one from her right wrist, but at least she could roll over. The problem, the only way she could roll was toward him. If tried to roll away from him, the cuff would dig even deeper into her skin.

Igor watched her lay there for a few minutes as tears started to fall from her tired eyes. He frowned at her for being weak. His frown turned even more disappointing when he saw the small spots of blood on the pillow from her wrist. After he had seen enough of her tears, he unlocked her right hand.

She could've rolled away from him to face the wall, but she was too stiff. The pain in her abdomen was still there, and it didn't seem like it was going to let up anytime soon. The next thing she knew, Igor was pulling her off the bed and dragging her down the hall. His cruel hands were digging into the cuts on her wrist. She could see blood oozing out and onto his fingers.

Where was he taking her? Was he taking her to the examination room to see if the procedure had done its job yesterday? No, she couldn't go back in there.

It was too painful.

Much to her dismay, he did take back to the examination room. She was forced to lay on the examination table as he pulled on clean latex gloves. The nurse positioned her legs in the same position as they were the day before.

Natasha cried silent tears as Igor purposefully took his time in examining her. Was he doing the procedure all over again? If he did, the chemicals would burn her even worse than yesterday. Even worse, they could kill her because her toxicity level was definitely up, and like Dr. Anderson had told her, there was nothing to reverse it.

After what seemed like an eternity, he finished his examination. To make sure that the effects of this procedure remained the way they were, he injected her with 2 more chemicals. She screamed both times since they were already starting to burn her internally. He then ordered the nurses to change her back into her black uniform and for a third time, re-braid her hair.

Once they were finished, Igor led her out of the room and forced her to walk to the training room. Yelena stood in the center of the room with a smile on her face.

She was ready for what she was going to do.

"Did you bring the syringes I asked for?" Igor asked. Yelena nodded as she held up two syringes. Both were filled to the top with a dark green fluid. Natasha started to waver, but Igor continued to hold her, nearly cutting off the circulation in her hand.

"Would you like to do the honors?" he asked as he released his grip on Natasha's wrist. His hand then moved up along her arm and stopping just above her elbow. He then gripped it hard. He then forced her sit in a chair that was bolted to the floor.

Without a warning, Yelena came forward and jabbed the needle into Natasha's left arm. The second one went in seconds later. The scream that tore from Natasha's lips was piercing. Yelena didn't even give her a chance to catch her breath between each injection.

"Now, let's see what you're made of now that you've had some sleep," Igor said. He then stepped back and waited for Natasha to make the first move.

Natasha couldn't move.

She could hardly breathe.

The chemicals flowed through her veins like fire. Her wrists hurt from the handcuffs. Meanwhile, Yelena stood in the middle of the room with her arms folded across her chest, patiently waiting.

"Well, are you going to come at me or not?'" Yelena sneered.

Natasha still didn't move. Her breathing what still uneven. She looked like she was lost in a nightmare, which she was. She was remembering the time when she was in the Red Room when Ivan was in charge. He had ordered both her and Yelena to fight. Yelena had nearly beaten her to death, and won the fight. Her reward, extra food. For Natasha, an hour of harsh training.

She could not lose this fight.

Eventually Yelena grew tired of waiting. With fiery eyes, she walked to where Natasha was sitting and yanked her to her feet by her wrist. She then flipped her over her shoulder and she fell hard on her back.

She didn't move.

"Come on, Natalia. Get up!" Yelena sneered again.

Natasha lay on the hard ground of the training room with her eyes closed. Yelena hadn't knocked her unconscious, but it was enough to knock the wind out of her. When she could finally breathe again, she stared up into Yelena's face. Yelena just looked down at her, her hands were on her hips.

With all the strength she could manage, Natasha swiped Yelena's legs out from under her, causing her to fall to the ground. She then moved to jump on top of her, but Yelena quickly recovered and jumped on top of her, pushing her tightly to the ground. Her arm was up against Natasha's throat. If she applied anymore pressure, she would cut off her oxygen supply.

"Try and escape this one little spider," Yelena sneered.

Natasha sucked in a deep breath and grabbed Yelena's arms and rolled over.

Now she had her pinned.

However Yelena was quicker. She pushed Natasha off of her and stood up.

"Do you really think you can defeat me, Natalia?" she asked. Natasha just stared at her. Her eyes then glanced at Igor, who was frowning in disapproval.

"It's Natasha!" Natasha shouted as she painfully made it to her feet. She then narrowed her eyes and within an instant, the two of them engaged.

* * *

The fight seemed like it would never end. One would knock the other down and the other way around.

Natasha was growing weaker.

There was no adrenaline left in her body.

Yelena however looked like she could go on for days.

Eventually, Igor grew tired of watching the two of them going back and forth.

It was time to take things to the next level.

Raising his hand, he ordered the two of them to stop. Yelena instantly dropped her arm that she had snaked around Natasha's neck. Igor then came forward and handed her a gun. With a smile on her face, she gripped it tightly in her hand and pointed it straight at Natasha's chest.

Natasha held her breath.

Yelena was going to kill her.

This couldn't end here. Yelena could not win. If she did, then the Red Room would continue to grow. They would find and capture more girls and force them into the program, just as Ivan wanted to do back in the day.

"Any last words, Natalia?" Yelena asked as she placed her finger on the trigger.

Just then the doors busted open. Everyone turned their heads to see what the commotion was. Igor was not too pleased that he had an intruder.

"Agent Romanoff!" the voice shouted. It was Agent Bennett, and she was throwing something at her. "Hit the black button!"

Natasha caught the item with her right hand. She didn't have time to look it, so she hit the button. There was a buzzing sound and then a blue-colored blade appeared.

"Stark," she thought to herself. She nodded "thanks" to Agent Bennett and directed her gaze back to Yelena.

She was going to take her down.

"I just realized something," Yelena said as she came toward Natasha. Her gun was still pointed at her. "you never answered my question about your miscarriage, so I'll ask it again. How did it feel to be bleeding out and in extreme pain? Was it gushing red like your ledger?"

Natasha had had it. As long as there was still life in her body, she would never answer that question.

Especially not to Yelena.

Angrily, she charged towards Yelena and pushed her to the ground. She then raised the baton over her head.

"I'll never answer that," Natasha sneered. She then brought the blade of the baton down and stabbed Yelena in the throat, instantly electrocuting her and killing her.

* * *

Before she could turn off the baton and move away from the body, a gun fired.

She had been shot.

She looked at where the bullet had landed. "Oh gosh," she gasped. The bullet had buried itself deep into her upper thigh. She then fell forward onto Yelena's dead body as blood started to spill out from the wound.

Igor came forward with a smile on his face.

"I told you that you would pay for this," he hissed. He then grabbed her by the back of her uniform and hauled her to her feet.

"Since you won't answer Yelena, you'll have to answer me."

"Never!" Natasha hissed.

"Then I guess I'll have to torture it out of you," Igor replied as he forced her to the other side of the training room where a machine that was similar to an MRI machine was located.

He was able to force her to lay down on the table, but when he turned his back to turn it on, she gathered her strength and sat up. Igor quickly turned around and looked at her. Natasha then got off the table and grabbed his arm. She dragged him back to the center of the room.

Despite her leg being in agonizing pain, the two of them traded blows back and forth. When she wasn't paying attention, a fist struck her jaw and she fell to the ground, landing on her injured leg. Before she could even think about getting up, Igor's gun fired again, this time hitting her calf muscle.

She cried out in pain.

Dazed and out of energy, she didn't realize that another needle had penetrated her skin.

Within seconds, her body went numb.

Had Igor killed her?

The numbness didn't last long. Natasha could feel the pain coming back. Igor then stabbed her again and she went numb.

"SHIELD has ruined you, Natalia. You are weak. I know what's inside of you!" Igor shouted as he forced her to stand on her feet.

Natasha couldn't believe it. Igor somehow knew that she had a beta-blocker inside of her.

"How did you know that?" she screamed.

"How would I not know?" he sneered. He then fired third bullet into her leg.

She fell back to the gourd with a loud cry as blood gushed from all three of the wounds, her thigh, calf, and now right under her kneecap.

She couldn't move.

Igor forced her to stand once again, this time he snaked his arm across her throat.

"Ivan was right about you. You are weak. But I can make you strong again. Come back to me," Igor said as he glared down at her.

"I'll never fight for you!" Natasha hissed.

She needed air.

Finally she made her move.

She grabbed Igor's arm that was around her throat and forced it off of her. She then flipped him over her shoulder and the two of them landed hard on the ground.

* * *

Her head was spinning from the lack of blood and air, but in the distance, she saw Agent Bennett and her husband lead the hostages out. She was relieved, because there was no way she could've gotten them out alone. She still had to figure out how she was going to escape this room herself because of her leg.

She lay on the ground in pain from being choked and from being shot.

Apparently no one noticed that she in distress.

She looked to where Igor had landed beside her, but he was nowhere in sight.

"Oh no," she thought to herself, "he's escaped."

Something twitched her nose minutes later.

This couldn't be good.

The building was on fire.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder, Agent Bennett's first name is Maggie and Ray is her husband.

Agent Bennett was in a daze.

The second the baton left her hand, a bullet clipped her knee and she fell to the ground. Recovering quickly though, she stood up and rushed to her husband to help them rescue the hostages.

"How many?" she asked once she caught up to him.

"20," he answered as his eyes looked down at her knee "you OK?"

"I'll live. Right now let's just focus on the hostages," she replied. Ray nodded and continued on, his wife slightly limping behind him.

All of the girls were in the room where they slept each night. They had been ordered by Igor to stay there until he came for them. When Maggie and Ray showed up and told them to leave, saying that they were the good guys, they wasted no time in flying off of their beds.

Also, the smell of smoke was in the air and everyone could smell it.

"Maggie, where's Natasha?" Ray asked as he was lifting one of the girls into his arms to help her out. She was in her teens, but she looked like she had just been through a procedure or a rough training session.

"She was in the main training room fighting Igor," Agent Bennett answered.

"Does she need backup?" Ray asked as they neared the exit to the building.

"She can handle herself. Just focus on the hostages."

By the time they reached the outside of the building, the majority of it was in flames.

Natasha and the enemy were nowhere in sight.

"Natasha!" Maggie shouted as she started to run back. Ray grabbed her arm, stopping her in her tracks.

"Didn't you just tell me that she can handle herself?"

Agent Bennett looked at her husband with a worried look. Yes she did say that, but now she wasn't sure.

Before she could answer, Igor came out, guns pointing at each one of them. Maggie and Ray quickly put their hands up as if to surrender.

"Don't move!" Igor shouted.

"Where's Natasha?" Ray asked angrily.

"She belongs with me. SHIELD has made her weak," Igor sneered. He then cocked the gun that was pointed at Ray and shot him in the kneecap. Agent Bennett gasped as her husband went down on his knees. The place where she had been shot by Igor a few minutes earlier was the same place where her husband had just now been shot.

She was just about to pull her own gun as Igor cocked the one pointed at her.

She froze.

Igor was going to kill her, possibly kill her husband, and then Natasha would be his forever.

She eventually managed to pull her gun, but she didn't realize it was empty. "Great." she said to herself as she put it back in her holster. She then turned her attention back to Igor.

"This is it," she thought to herself. Unless Ray or Natasha were to come through, the mission would be over. Igor would retake the girls as his hostages and train them. Worst of all, he would force Natasha to turn over to be on his side. Instead of living back in DC with her husband and the rest of the team, she would be who she once used to be, an assassin for hire.

No one would be able to save her.

In the distance, a gun fired, and it kept on firing. "Who was firing?" she thought to herself. Was it her husband? No, her husband had quickly recovered and ran to the jet to get treatment.

Finally, the firing stopped and in front of her was Igor, and he was dead. Who had shot him? There was no one in sight.

"Ray, was that you from the inside?" she asked as she started to waver.

"Negative," Ray responded through the comms.

Then, just as her leg gave way and she fell to her knees from the pain, she saw where and who the firing had come from.

It was Natasha.

She was lying face down with her face in the dirt. An empty gun lay in front of her.

"Natasha!" she shouted as she tried to stand up. Her knee was covered in blood.

She needed to get treatment.

"Natasha!" she shouted louder.

Natasha never moved. She never even lifted her head.

Agent Bennett was too far away to reach her. She would bleed out before she made it to her side.

Acting quickly, she quickly pressed her finger to her ear.

"This is Agent Margaret Bennett. I need a medevac. I have an agent down. Repeat, I have an agent down!" she said as she stared at Natasha's unmoving body.

"We're on our way. Is your agent responding?" a voice responded in her ear.

"No, and I can't even see if she's hurt."

"OK, I'm sending a chopper. We'll airlift her out and bring her back to base. Is anyone else hurt?"

"My husband and I are, but we're OK. It's nothing serious."

"Copy."

As she painfully made her way to the jet where a nurse was just finishing wrapping her husband's leg and was now rushing to help her, Agent Bennett watched with teary eyes as medical personnel lifted an unconscious Natasha from the ground.

She felt her heart skip a beat when she got a better look.

Natasha's entire left leg was drenched in blood.

"Oh LORD God, please let her be OK," she prayed to herself. She then continued to allow the nurse to finish treating her leg.

"What did you see?" Ray asked her as the nurse finished up.

"Natasha. Her leg was drenched in blood," Agent Bennett sobbed as she went into her husband's open arms. Ray wrapped his arms around his wife's shaking body and held her tight.

"She'll be OK. Just start praying."

"Haven't stopped since she got here."

Ray kissed her on the head and the two of them sat down. As far of the hostages were concerned, no one was hurt. The girl that Ray had carried out revealed that she was just tired from a training session.

As they neared the base, Agent Bennett pulled out her phone and called Coulson, letting him know that Natasha and the hostages had been successfully extracted from Igor, however Natasha was severely injured.

"How bad?" Coulson asked.

"I'm not sure. I won't know until we land."

"Copy that. Agent. Thank you for calling."

Just as Agent Bennett and her husband were walking down the ramp of their jet, they saw about 5 or 6 medics rush inside, pushing a gurney.

There was no need to question who it was. She had already seen it being airlifted out of the field and leaving a pool of blood in its place.

It was Natasha.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the start of phase 4

Natasha's head was pounding.

The last thing she remembered was a gun being fired, and it was hers.

She did it. She completed her mission.

Now, nearly 48 hours later, she was lying in a hospital bed with her entire left leg wrapped in bandages. Those bandages were covering the three gunshot wounds that Igor had inflicted on her during the fight.

As she lay motionless in bed, her headache slowly went away, and that's when she heard voices in her head. These voices weren't just talking, they were shouting, but she couldn't make out what they were saying. Something about blood loss and low pressure. Her brain tried to make out what they had said, but it couldn't. She was still drowsy from having just woken up.

There was however one phrase that she did hear. It was Agent Bennett.

"Come on Natasha, don't leave us."

Leave us? "Wait" she thought to herself. "Did I almost die?" She pondered on that for a few seconds as the heart monitor chirped beside her. What if she did die? How would everyone react? Would they be mad that she went on the mission alone or would they be devastated? Even more important, how would Anna react?

Anna.

The name was ringing in her ears. Even though she apologized, she still regretted snapping at her when Maria died. She wished she could go back and redo that day. More importantly, she wished she could go back to the day she marched into Coulson's office to demand a solo mission.

Because of her decision, she was taken hostage and had no backup. It was because of her that she had three gunshot wounds to her leg.

Unable to think anymore, she let sleep claim her, or at least tried to claim her. Within minutes of closing her eyes, images of Igor restraining her filled her head. More specifically, the night her made the cuff on her right hand so tight she thought she would lose her right hand. That's when another phrase that she heard came into her mind.

"We have to amputate her leg!"

Wait, amputation? No! She couldn't go through that again. She already lost her left hand. If she lost her leg, she would for sure not be able to fight again.

Wanting to prove her mind wrong. She lifted the covers to make sure they didn't amputate. She breathed a sigh of relief when she took sight of her leg. It looked the same way it did before she fell asleep, covered in multiple bandages. Now that that was taken care of, she let the covers back down and tried once again to sleep.

She wasn't asleep for long. No, it wasn't another nightmare, it was Agent Bennett.

"You awake?" she asked quietly. Natasha nodded as she attempted to sit up just a little. A small wave of pain shot up her leg, but it quickly went away.

"How's the pain?"

"Physical or emotional?" Natasha asked.

"Umm, both I guess," Agent Bennett responded as she sat down.

Natasha knew the answers to both questions. Physically, she hurt all over. Her leg was the worst. She could hardly move it. Oh well, at least she still had her leg. She could not afford to lose another body part. As far as emotional pain, well that was a totally different story. Not only was she hurting from the trauma of the mission, she was hurting from the events leading up to the mission itself: Maria dying, the twins dying, Leia, Han, and Luke dying, and even when Maria Hill died. It was like they all happened at almost the same time, however Maria Hill's death was in February of last year.

"I've been better," Natasha replied.

"Want to talk about it?" Agent Bennett asked.

Natasha looked someone shocked at Agent Bennett's question. In all honesty, she wanted to talk to someone about her emotions, but she didn't know Agent Bennett that well. Plus, where would she begin? There was so much to say. Eventually, she politely declined, saying she just wanted to sleep and that she would handle things when she got back to DC. Agent Bennett reluctantly agreed and left the room to allow her to sleep.

* * *

Over the next couple days, Natasha continued to get better. The stiffness in her in her leg was still there, but she could at least move it around it bit under the covers. She couldn't bend it, but at least now her leg wouldn't go numb from being immobile. It would be a long time before she could walk on it and even longer before she could even begin to fight again.

On one particular afternoon, Agent Bennett suggested that Natasha call her family back in DC to let them know what was going on. She politely declined. As much as she wanted to talk to them, she didn't have the words to say to them.

She was also afraid.

She was afraid of what they would say to her, more specifically about her abandoning God.

Her thoughts then drifted to God and her faith. Deep down, she was still mad at Him for all of the loss that she had endured these past few weeks, and that included Maria Hill. She was also mad at herself for not having enough faith to stay strong and hold on. She wanted to renew her relationship with Him, but there were two problems. First, she didn't know how to explain herself to Him. Second, she didn't think that God would want to redeem her again because she abandoned Him. If and when she was ready, she would call Anna and ask for help, that if Anna was willing to help.

Right now, her focus was on getting better and getting out of this country.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the italics are a flashback

Natasha had been resting peacefully since finishing dinner. Fortunately for her, the images that filled her head were not nightmares. Instead, she was dreaming of the day that she and Steve had renewed their wedding vows 4 months ago. The vows that they had said to each other were as heartfelt as the ones they had spoken to each other when they first got married.

Just as she was remembering the song lyrics that Steve had quoted to her at the end of his vows, the sound of someone's cell phone could be heard in the distance, snapping her out of the dream.

She reached over and grabbed it off the bedside table. Blinking her eyes a few times, she focused on the screen.

"Three new messages!" she thought to herself as she slid her finger across the screen to unlock it. All three of the messages were from Steve, Clint, and Anna. Steve's read. "Love and miss you, Nat. Can't wait for you to come home so I can hold you in my arms. Praying that your leg heals up and that you will rediscover God." Clint's message read, "At home with Laura and the kids. We're all praying for a quick recovery. Also, Lila wants to see you again and Cooper wants you to teach him how to throw a knife." The last message was from Anna. It read, "Miss you too. Hope your leg heals up soon so you can come home. Praying for you."

Natasha was confused. How did they all know about her leg being injured? She had told Agent Bennett earlier today that she didn't want to talk to them because she didn't want to face their questions. So how did they all find out about her leg, and all at the same time?

Then she realized what happened.

Agent Bennett must've texted Steve, Clint, and Anna while she was asleep.

She didn't bother with responding to any of their messages. She didn't want to talk to any of them. Tossing the phone back on the table, she fell back asleep.

* * *

Agent Bennett came in the room about an hour later to check on her. She was still asleep, but it looked like she had seen her phone because it was in a different spot then before. Picking it up, Agent Bennett read all three messages that had been sent. Her heart sank when she realized that Natasha hadn't responded to any of them.

Just as she was sending a response to Anna's message, Natasha opened her eyes. "What are you doing?" she asked.

Agent Bennett immediately put the phone down without finishing the message and looked at Natasha.

"Natasha, they needed to know. Agent Coulson kept telling me that they were all worried about you."

"It doesn't matter. They shouldn't be worrying about me. I can handle myself," Natasha responded.

"I know you can, but you still should keep them updated."

"They'll learn when I'm ready to tell them," Natasha snapped. Just then, she heard her phone go off again. It was another text from Steve, asking if he could come and visit her. Angrily, Natasha responded "no" and that she didn't want any visitors. She then sent similar messages to Clint and Anna.

* * *

Steve could not believe what he was reading.

Natasha did not want to see him.

Normally when she got done with a mission, Natasha always wanted to be with him or Clint, especially if she was hurt.

She would want someone to ease away her pain and comfort her.

Disgusted, Steve slammed his phone down on the table and put his head down. He was upset. First he and Natasha lose their twin babies in a miscarriage. Then they lose their adopted daughter. Now, he felt like he was losing his own wife because of a mission that he didn't know much about. "What else can God throw at me?" he asked himself as he let a few tears roll out.

The sound of heels walking across the kitchen floor interrupted his thoughts. It was Anna. She was wearing her boots that she always said made her look taller.

"Anna?" he asked when he looked up at her. Her face was slightly stained from tears.

Unable to speak, Anna just handed him her phone. Steve blinked his tears away and read the message that Natasha had sent her. "I don't want to see you. God means nothing to me. You have my permission to leave SHIELD."

Steve set Anna's phone on the table and immediately stood up to hug her. Natasha had given Anna permission to leave SHIELD.

'I'm not leaving!" Anna sobbed into Steve's chest.

"Good. We need you here. You're the one holding us together," Steve responded as she left his arms and sat down. She then picked up her phone and responded to Natasha's text, saying that she was not leaving and that she was holding everyone together.

* * *

Clint was chopping wood when the text came through on his phone.

He was shocked.

Natasha had told him that she didn't want to see him and that she was fine.

There were only a few times during their pairing that Natasha didn't want to see him. He even remembered one instance where he had to be called into the OR to be by her side.

_The mission that they had been on was very dangerous. Had it not been for Clint and his archery skills, Natasha would've never made it out alive. Fortunately she did, but a knife and a bullet had done some severe damage to her abdomen._

_"_ _Clint, please don't leave me! Please don't let them take me!" Natasha screamed._

_"_ _Nat, it's going to be OK. I promise," he said as he stroked her forehead._

_"_ _No, please no!"_

_He watched with tears as the gurney disappeared through the double doors._

_He could still hear Natasha's screams._

_A nurse had come out of the OR to get him and bring him back._

_Natasha was resisting to the anesthesia._

_She wanted Clint by her._

_He followed the nurse inside the OR, where she directed him to a chair by the operating table. Clint sat down and looked into Natasha's teary eyes. Taking her hand, which was cold to the touch. He began to whisper to her softly._

_"_ _I'm here, Nat. I'm not going anywhere. You're going to get through this. I know you will."_

_He continued to whisper to her as the anesthesia was injected into her. He continued to whisper to her as the surgeons worked on her abdomen. He continued to whisper to her as they moved her out of the operating room and into a recovery room. By the time she was settled and the two of them were alone, his mouth was parched. He quickly ran to the bathroom for a drink of water._

The sound of the screen door opening and closing interrupted his thoughts. It was Laura, bringing him a glass of water.

"Everything alright?" she asked when he looked at her.

Clint couldn't answer her. No, everything was not alright. His partner and best friend was halfway across the world and was severely injured. Worst of all, she didn't want to see him.

"Hello? Earth to Clint?"

Clint looked at Laura with a hurt face. "Sorry," he said.

"Natasha?" she asked. Clint nodded.

"I just don't get it, Laura," Clint spoke. "She's never like this."

"I know, babe. I remember way back when you first brought her out here. She wanted you immediately by her side. I tried to calm her, but she was too frightened."

"She didn't know you and she was in a place that wasn't familiar to her," he responded as he embraced her in his arms.

"Do you think she would talk to me?"

"I don't know. You can try calling her," he said as he pulled out his phone. Laura then found Natasha's number and dialed it.

The call went straight to voicemail. Natasha must've thought it was Clint trying to talk to her.

"What if I used the landline?" Laura asked.

"No, she has that number stored under my name as well," Clint responded.

"Oh."

"I don't know what to do right now. Part of me wants to travel to Bahrain myself to be with her," Clint said as he picked up the ax to chop more wood.

"Why don't you?"

"Because you need me to help you with the kids. Plus, I would be disobeying Coulson's orders."

"Clint, I can manage. I do it all the time while you're avenging with the rest of the team, and besides, you've disobeyed a direct order when you didn't kill her," Laura answered.

Clint knew she was right. There were numerous times that she had to deal with both of the kids being sick. Now that they had three kids, he was a little unsure. Also, he was going to go to Bahrain after she and the kids were better. Still, he was still uneasy about disobeying another order. He didn't want to lose his job. Thirdly, if Steve found out he went after Natasha, he would be unhappy that Clint didn't ask him to come with. Clint knew that Steve wanted to see Natasha as much as he did, but Coulson would get suspicious if he learned that two agents were gone.

"Are you sure? I mean it's not like in the past when you only had Cooper and Lila."

"I'm sure. Besides, Cooper's getting better. He can help me around the house and with Lila and Nathaniel," Laura answered.

Eventually, Clint decided to go. After enjoying dinner and time with the kids. He said his good-byes and boarded his jet that he had hidden in the bushes.

The coordinates were set. He would be there in 12 hours. Once he arrived, he would face her wrath, and then if he was able, he would bring her home.

Not to SHIELD, but the other place she called home.

His farm.


	16. Chapter 16

(2 days later)

Natasha had had enough.

She needed to get out of Bahrain.

Her leg was still sore, but she didn't care. She could continue her recovery back in DC. Agent Bennett suggested that she stay and go through therapy, but she declined, stating that she would receive care from her own doctor.

Later that day, after nearly an hour of convincing Agent Bennett to clear her, Natasha headed home. Unknown to her, while she was changing into her own clothes, Agent Bennett had called Coulson to let him know that she was coming home.

It was about 10:30 in the evening eastern time when Natasha finally landed her jet in the terminal. She was beyond exhausted from the flight, but she had sworn to Agent Bennett that she would go to medical within a half hour of landing. With tired eyes, she walked to medical, and was surprised to find Dr. Anderson still up.

"Welcome back, Natasha," he said kindly.

"Let's just get this over with," Natasha answered coldly.

"Of course."

Natasha pushed herself up on the examination table while Dr. Anderson readied his supplies. All she was going to do was make sure that her leg didn't sustain any damage during the flight and ask for a toxicity test.

"Everything looks good, Natasha. I don't see any long term damage," he said as he cleaned the wounds and redressed them with clean bandages. He then readied a syrringe to extract two tubes of blood.

"Thank you," she responded. After the blood was taken amd she knew her toxicity level, which was 75%, she then left the medical bay and went straight to the only room in SHIELD where she could sleep by herself, Maria Hill's former room. Currently, it was designated as a guest room or if a new agent moved in.

Locking the door behind her, she changed out of her clothes into something more comfortable to sleep in. She then crawled into bed and closed her eyes to sleep.

The following morning, there was a knock at her door, disturbing her somewhat dreamless sleep.

"Go away," she mumbled into the pillow. The person who had knocked didn't respond. The only thing Natasha did hear was something being set on the ground. She groaned and forced herself out of bed. Outside her door, someone had left her a tray with a cup of coffee, a blueberry muffin, and an omelet. Clint or Steve must've pitied her and made her breakfast. It was most likely Clint because Steve wasn't exactly the greatest cook in the world. Next to the plate, there was a small piece a paper with Steve's handwriting. It was a note saying that he loved her and that he was glad she was back. At the bottom, he wrote that he himself had made the omelet with Clint's help.

"Nice, Rogers," she mumbled to herself as she picked up the fork to cut a piece of the omelet. To her surprise, it was actually quite tasty, almost like Clint had made it.

Once she was finished, she put the tray outside her door and locked it. Her next intention was to take a much-needed and relaxing shower and then attempt one of her numerous field reports for this mission.

Anna came by Natasha's room and picked up the empty tray. As she bent down to grab it, she could hear Natasha sobbing. Very quietly, she knocked on the door.

"Go away," Natasha responded.

"Natasha, its Anna. Are you OK?"

"I'm fine!" she snapped. Anna left the hallway and headed toward the kitchen, trying her best to hold back her tears and how hurt she was by Natasha's response.

She must've not done a good job. Clint immediately noticed her when she walked in.

"You alright?" Clint asked as she went toward the sink to wash the dishes. He himself had just gotten back from where he had gone to the past couple days. He couldn't say where he had gone.

He didn't want to risk saying the wrong thing.

"Nat won't even talk to me," Anna answered.

"She's never like this after a mission. She always wants to see one of us."

"Do you think she was brainwashed?" Anna asked.

"No. I talked with D. Anderson this morning and he said he didn't see any signs that she was," Clint answered. Anna nodded as she finished up drying the dished. She began to hum one of her favorite Christian tunes as she left the kitchen. Clint left the kitchen once he finished the water bottle that he had been drinking.

The rest of the day passed by slowly. No one had the energy to do anything. Steve Clint, and Anna all were in the gym working out, but no one said a word. Each one of them had their earplugs in and was listening to their own music. Eventually, they all left, still not talking. Even Coulson was surprised .He had never seen any of his agents this quiet in years. He even struggled to talk to Agent Bennett when she called to check in on Natasha.

"Just keep praying for her Coulson. This mission really took a toll on her, both physically and mentally," Agent Bennett said.

"I haven't stopped since she left my office," Coulson answered. After going through a few more details, the two agents hung up. Coulson then pulled out his bible, hoping to find a verse to comfort him. That's when he remembered the song that Anna had sung as a solo 2 months ago. He wasn't able to go that weekend because he was monitoring the mission that Steve and Clint were on during that time. Opening up youtube on his laptop, he quickly found a lyric video for the song and did his best to let the words sink in.

* * *

Steve dropped a dinner tray by Natasha's door, along with another note. The fact that his wife wouldn't even open the door to see him was crushing his spirit. Did she no longer love him anymore? No, Natasha told him that she would always love him, no matter what. So why was she ignoring him and everyone else who wanted to help her?

For the next few minutes he sat on the ground right next to her door. He knew she would come out to leave the tray, Maybe then he could hold her in his arms and convince her to talk to him. Then again, what would they say to each other? Neither of them have spoken to each other since the night Maria died.

His thoughts were interrupted when she opened the door.

She looked exhausted.

"Hi," he said quietly.

"Can't deal with any of you," she snapped before slamming the door and locking it. Regaining his composure, he stood up and walked to the kitchen with the tray, more upset than he had ever been in his life.

In all his years of knowing Natasha, which wasn't too many since he woke up from being under for 75 years, he had never heard Natasha talk to him like that. How could she not want to talk to him or even see him? As he washed the dishes, he wondered how she was handling herself since she was extracted from the field. How did she settle down after a nightmare? Did she turn to a bottle of Vodka like she used to? No. After everyone had become believers in Christ, Natasha, and with the help of Dr. Anderson, gave up on drinking. He hoped that she didn't go back to that. t

That would kill her body even more than chemicals.

He began to quote the words of the song that Anna had sung as a solo that he and Clint had missed because of the mission they were on. She told them that this song had helped her through her own difficult struggles. She also said that ever since she first heard it when she started practicing, it had become one of her favorite songs to sing.

Once the dishes were cleaned, he sat down at the table with his head bowed.

"Dear God, please help my wife to sleep tonight, More importantly, give her the strength to open up to us about what is going on. We're all worried about her. In Jesus' name, amen.

* * *

It was the middle of the night when a scream was heard through the halls, and the first to hear it was Anna. She wanted to rush out her room like she did back when Natasha had had the nightmare about Ivan, but she knew that Natasha would not want to talk to her. So, she pulled her legs up to her chest and listened to Natasha's continued screaming .She then heard someone banging on the door. Steve must've heard it too.

Eventually, the noise stopped, however Anna was still shook up. So before falling back to sleep, she pulled out her ipod and found the song that she always listened to when she needed comforting. She paused it after the first verse and chorus had played, letting three words sink into her brain.

Just be held.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make sure you have read chapter 11 or this probably won't make sense. Also, I forgot to mention this last week, but this big gigantic story is actually answering two different prompts. The first prompt is from FreeWritingGeek22 about Natasha having a rough day after a mission. As you can see, I am taking this prompt to the next level. The second prompt is from thegraytigress. Since she is done writing anything Red Room related content in "Heart of the Storm", she told me in a DM that she would have to get her fix from me. Hence why I changed Natasha's mission objectives from chapter 5 and brought in Yelena Belova.  
> Last thing, Dr. Anderson's first name is Gale.

Natasha lay on her bed holding her lower abdomen. Ever since she had gotten back to DC, her stomach was almost always in pain and it was usually after she ate or when she had a nightmare.

The reason?

Igor had used dozens of chemicals to sterilize her so that she could never get pregnant no matter how hard she tried. It was somewhat of a good thing though. Since she had lost both the twins and Maria, she no longer wanted to have children.

She tried to sleep, but her stomach felt like it was on fire. She tried to sit up, but that only made it worse and she bit her lip to prevent her from screaming and waking everyone up.

In agony, she reached over and grabbed her phone off her nightstand and called Dr. Anderson.

She didn't care if it was 2:00 in the morning.

She needed help.

"Hello?" Dr. Anderson answered groggily. It sounded like he had been in a deep sleep.

"Doctor. It's Natasha," Natasha responded.

"Nat, are you OK?"

"No. My stomach. It feels like it's on fire. I can't even sit up!" Natasha cried as tears started to fall from her swollen and tired eyes.

"Is your room unlocked?"

"No."

"OK. I have a key that I can use. Try taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly," Dr. Anderson answered. Natasha tried to do as he asked, but it made her stomach hurt even more.

"Doctor, it's not helping!" Natasha cried.

"OK. Just hang on. I'll be over in 2 minutes."

Painfully, Natasha managed to lay back down, holding her phone on top of her stomach in case she had to call him back.

True to his word, Dr. Anderson arrived. Natasha was somewhat able to relax, and that's mainly because she heard the key being placed into the lock to open her door. As quietly as he could, he wheeled the stretcher inside and placed it where he needed it.

"Help me!" she cried. Tears were burning her eyes.

Very carefully, he lifted her small form off the bed and gently laid her on the stretcher. She gritted her teeth against the pain. It seemed like any kind of movement caused her pain that she just wanted gone. Not wanting to disturb anyone, he wheeled the stretcher down the hallway and headed toward medical, whispering whatever words of comfort he could think of in an attempt to keep Natasha calm and relaxed.

Upon reaching medical, he wheeled her into the OR where Kathleen was waiting.

"What can I do to help?" she asked.

"Try and keep her relaxed," Dr. Anderson answered as he pulled on a pair of surgical gloves. He tried to be gentle as he felt around Natasha's stomach. He was desperate to find the problem and correct it so that she could attempt to get some sleep. Despite his gentle touch, Natasha still shook. It was a combination of one too many flashbacks of her being touched in the Red Room and from the pain.

"Gale, should I get Steve or Clint?' Kathleen asked.

"No!" Natasha cried. "I don't want them here. Please just make it stop!"

"Kathleen, get my internal camera off the charger in my office. Hurry, I think I found the problem," Dr. Anderson said. Kathleen quickly left Natasha's side and rushed out of the room.

"Doctor!" Natasha cried.

"Hang on, Nat," he soothed as Kathleen came back in. She already had the camera turned on.

"Here you go," she said handing him the camera. Dr. Anderson wasted no time in placing the camera gently onto Natasha's stomach. He did his best to keep it from touching her, but she still shuddered.

"Gale, what's happening to her?" Kathleen asked as Natasha tightly gripped her hand. "Easy, Nat. It's OK."

Dr. Anderson couldn't believe what he was seeing on the viewing screen of the camera. Natasha's ovaries and uterus where charred black. They looked worse than when he first looked at them the day he found out she was pregnant. Allowing Kathleen to look, he quickly rushed out to get the supplies that he would need to perform a hysterectomy.

"Gale, it looks like her appendix is damaged too," Kathleen said as he came back into the room. He didn't even need to get a good look at the screen. He could see it out of the corner of his eye. Nodding to Kathleen to turn the camera off, he readied a syringe.

"No, please no!" Natasha cried. She didn't want any more chemicals in her system. She just wanted the pain to stop so that she could attempt to get some sleep.

"Natasha, I have to do this or there will be more internal damage. It's going to be Ok. I promise," Dr. Anderson explained as he gently took her hand.

"Please just make it stop!" she cried. Still holding her hand, Dr. Anderson pushed the needle into her wrist. She was out in an instant.

"OK, hand me that scalpel on the tray there," he said to Kathleen.

With a steady hand and with Kathleen assisting, Dr. Anderson worked diligently to do what he had to do. Not only was he performing a hysterectomy, he was also performing an appendectomy at the same time. In all his years of being a doctor, he had never performed both of these procedures at once. It was a risky thing, but he was doing this for Natasha. He had to save her from what the chemicals in her system were doing to her. It wasn't her time to die yet.

Two hours later, both procedures were complete and Natasha was resting in the recovery wing. Dr. Anderson chose to stay the night with her in case she woke up or something else happened. Tomorrow he would tell Clint and Steve what happened.

"I'll talk to Coulson tomorrow as well to see if his source told him anything about what happened," he explained as he cleaned up his work area. Kathleen nodded her head and began to leave the room. She was desperate to get some sleep after a long day of traveling from Alderaan. A few days ago, she decided to move to DC to continue working with Dr. Anderson.

"Kathleen, umm, I have to ask you something," he said stopping her in her tracks.

"Can it wait till tomorrow?" she yawned.

"Not exactly."

Kathleen came back inside the room as he pulled a small box from one of the drawers.

"I was going to do this later at dinner tonight, but…" he began as he got down on one knee. "Kathleen, will you marry me?"

Kathleen was speechless. After working alongside him for over a decade, he was finally asking her to marry him.

"Gale, I would love to marry you," she said as tears started to form in her eyes. Very carefully, he slid the ring onto her finger, being careful of the small paper cut that she got from one of her moving boxes earlier in the day.

"I love you. I always have. You've been by my side patient after patient, and you never gave up on me," he said as he stood up to embrace her.

"I love you too," she responded as she fell into his arms. The two of them shared a passionate kiss before she left the medical bay to get some well-deserved sleep. Meanwhile, he pulled up a chair, sat by Natasha's side, took her hand in his, and waited for her to wake up.

"God thank you for today," he began to pray. "Thank you that Kathleen said 'yes' to marrying me. I'm so excited to spend the rest of my life with her. I ask now that you be with Natasha. Help her pain to go away. More importantly, help her to rediscover you again. I know she's suffering both physically and spiritually. Help her to know that you still love her and that you are holding her in your arms. In Jesus' name. Amen."

Breathing a sigh of relief, he slouched down in the chair and fell asleep, listening to the sound of the heart monitor beside Natasha's bed. Her heartbeat was a little uneven, but it wasn't serious. At least she was still alive after whatever Igor had done to her in Bahrain. Deep down though, he knew something was wrong.

Her toxicity level was up and climbing faster than normal.

It was not something he was ready to face.

No one was, and no one would be.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone. Just a heads up we are almost through phase 4. Chapter 21 begins phase 5.
> 
> One quick thing before you read, Noah Swanson is a fictional name for my boyfriend.

Steve awoke for his early morning jog. With everything that has been going on these past few days and weeks, his morning jogs have been a normal thing for him. Sometimes after his jog he would walk back to the base to clear his head. Plus there wasn't too much to do there anyway. Natasha still wasn't talking to anyone. She hardly ever left the room where she was sleeping, except maybe to change clothes or retrieve something.

As he was quietly walking out, he noticed that Natasha's door was wide open. Cautiously stepping inside, he noticed that the cover had been thrown back and her phone was in the middle of bed. Keeping watch to make sure she didn't see him, because if she did then there would be trouble, he picked up the phone and realized it was almost dead. It was when he plugged it in that he saw the last person that she had called. The last person she had called was Dr. Anderson, and it was at 2:00 in the morning.

"What happened?" he thought to himself. Now he was worried about her. Was she hurt? Was she sick? After making the quick decision not to go for a run, he made his way to medical

The medical bay was quiet. No one was around. The only light that was on was a small light that was hanging over a hospital bed, and in that hospital bed, was Natasha. She was unmoving. A monitor chirped nearby her, indicating she was alive. There was also an IV pole next to her, delivering fluids into her body.

"Cap?" a voice said startling him from his thoughts. Turning around, he noticed it was Kathleen. She was wearing her navy blue scrubs and her hair was tied back in a ponytail.

"What happened?" he asked not even saying hello.

"Come to the kitchen. Dr. Anderson will explain it," she answered. She then came in the room and began to change the now empty IV bag and replace it with a new one. Steve contemplated on what he wanted to do. He wanted to be by Natasha for when she woke up, but he also wanted to know what was going on. Sighing, he left the room and headed towards the kitchen.

Dr. Anderson had everyone gathered in the small kitchen around the table. Even Officer Kennedy and Sharon were back. They looked tired and a bit jet-lagged, but they were back.

"I thought you were going for a run," Clint said when he turned his head toward Steve.

"I was, but then I saw Nat's room open. I got worried."

"Have a seat, Cap. I was just about to explain," Dr. Anderson said chiming in and handing him a cup of coffee. Just then, Kathleen came rushing into the kitchen.

"Gale, she's awake and she wants you!" she cried. Dr. Anderson wasted no time in getting up from his chair. Together he and Kathleen left the kitchen and rushed back to medical. Steve stood up to follow them, but Clint grabbed his arm.

"She might not want to see you."

Steve sighed and sat back down. He wanted to see her. How could she not want to, especially if she was in medical?

* * *

Natasha was indeed awake and she was scared.

She didn't know or even remember what had happened to her. All she knew is that her stomach didn't feel like it was on fire like last night.

Dr. Anderson immediately noticed the fear in her eyes the second he reached the door.

"Natasha, it's OK. I promise," he soothed as he sat in the chair that was still by her bed.

"What did you do to me?" she cried.

"I had to perform 2 surgeries to stop the pain," he explained. A low moan escaped from Natasha's lips. She was shaking. "Do you want me to get Steve or Clint?" he asked. Natasha shook her head no. If one of them did come in to be with her, then she would have to explain what Igor had done to her, and in all honesty, she wasn't ready to explain anything to anyone.

"Sleep, everything's OK now," he said quietly as he squeezed her hand. He then gently kissed her forehead and left the room. Kathleen stayed behind to keep an eye on her.

* * *

Back in the kitchen, everyone was 100% confused. Finally, Dr. Anderson returned.

"She OK?" Steve asked.

"She'll be alright. She just needs to rest."

"What happened to her?" Clint asked.

"Guys, Natasha called me in the middle of the night complaining of severe abdominal pain. I brought her to medical and took a look at her," he explained. He then took a breath and continued on. "She had to have surgeries to stop it. I had to remove her uterus, ovaries, and her appendix. They were all severely damaged by chemicals."

"Igor?" Clint asked.

"Yes. I called Agent Bennett a couple hours ago and found out from her.

Steve could not believe it. His wife would never be able to have children. She probably didn't want to try again anyway since losing the twins. "How's her leg?" he asked.

"It's getting there. I changed her bandages as well before coming in here. All three of the wounds are healing properly, but they will still take time," Dr. Anderson said. Everyone nodded their heads in understanding.

It was Anna who noticed the ring on Sharon's finger. "Sharon, are you engaged?" she asked.

"I am. To him," she answered as she smiled and directed everyone's eyes to Officer Kennedy, who was also smiling. Clint was in shock. Sharon was perfect for someone like Kennedy. They were both SHIELD agents. Coulson had been pairing them together for a few months and they worked great together. Like Clint and Natasha, the always got the job done.

"When did this happen?" Dr. Anderson asked.

"It was the last night of our mission. Because of where we were, we took an extra day and toured the town. He then took me to dinner and proposed," Sharon explained.

"Congrats you guys," Coulson said. Sharon and Kennedy nodded thanks.

"So let's see here. Coulson's engaged, Kennedy's engaged. I guess I should also announced that I'm engaged to Kathleen," Dr. Anderson said.

"Really?" Anna asked.

"Yep, I proposed to her after Natasha's surgery. I couldn't wait any longer.

"Way to go, Gale!" Kennedy said shaking his hand.

"Thanks, man."

"Now, don't tell me your engaged too, Anna," Coulson said directing his attention to Anna who was smiling.

"Well," she began.

"Wait, you are?" Clint asked.

"No, but I do have a boyfriend," she answered.

"Oh really. Since when?" Coulson asked curiously.

"Do you guys remember that mission I went on and I came home injured?" she asked. Everyone nodded. "Since then. He asked me out on a date, hence why I stayed an extra night."

"So three months then?" Clint asked.

"Actually, we just passed our four-month."

"What's his name?"

"Noah Swanson. He's a couple years younger than me. We actually met in high school," Anna explained.

For the next ten minutes or so, Anna allowed the team to "interrogate" her about Noah, asking how they met and what their date was like and other random questions. Steve however was lost in a daze. He was doing his best to pay attention, but his mind was on Natasha. The urge to be by here was greater. Did she know that she could no longer have children? How did she react if she did? Would she be OK from having a double surgery? When would she talk to him again? When would he be able to hold her in his arms and sleep with her? As quietly as he could, he left the kitchen and headed out the door.

He needed to run, and he needed to run now.


	19. Chapter 19

About a couple of days had passed since Natasha had come home from Bahrain. Things were OK at SHIELD, but something always seemed off. The only female voices that were heard around the base were Sharon Carter, Kathleen, or Anna. However now, Anna was fighting an emotional battle of her own. She wanted to talk to Natasha about it, but Natasha still wasn't talking to anyone.

Earlier today, Natasha had gone to Dr. Anderson because he wanted to do a follow-up appointment since her emergency surgeries. Just like she did when she found out about her toxicity level for the first time, she bolted out of the medical bay and went to her room and cried so hard that everyone heard her. They didn't bother with knocking, because they already knew what she was crying about.

"I hate you, Igor!" she sobbed into her pillow. She then got up and went to the bathroom to wash her face of her tears, and that's when she noticed something was missing.

"Oh no," she thought to herself as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. Igor had taken the necklace that Steve had given to her when they had first taken a trip to Alderaan as a couple. It was his first love gift to her and Igor had taken it. He never gave it back to her and she didn't even think to take it back when she shot him.

Her tears started up once again. That necklace was very valuable and important to her. The only other valuable necklace she had besides her cross necklace was the arrow necklace that Clint had given her before she left on her very first mission with Steve.

Angrily, she ran from her room to the training room.

She wanted to punch something, and preferably not a wall. That would just cause a scene involving someone coming in her room to repair the damage. Plus the last time she damaged a wall was when she threw her knife into it after a traumatic nightmare.

The second she reached the training room, she went straight to the nearest punching bag and just started punching.

She was mad.

She was mad that Igor had taken away her ability to have children and he was mad that he had taken her necklace. Her screams and sobs were so loud that they echoed throughout the room. She was almost certain no one heard her, but someone did.

She had taken a break to wipe the blood off the knuckles of her right hand when she heard footsteps coming down the stairs. She immediately went back to punching the bag, not even looking at the door.

"Nat?" the voice spoke.

"Crap," she thought to herself when she realized who it was. It was Clint. She didn't turn to meet him, she just kept punching the bag, stopping only to wipe the blood on her jeans.

"Nat?" Clint said a little louder. She still didn't turn her head. Instead she began to scream, causing him to take a few steps back.

"I hate you, Igor! I hate you! I hate you!"

For the next few minutes, Clint watched her go back and forth from punching the crap out of the bag to wiping her right hand on her jeans. He bit his lip to hold back something wrong from coming out. He had never seen Natasha this enraged.

When she wiped her knuckles for about the tenth time in the last five minutes, he decided to approach her. She needed to stop before she broke the bag or her hand. Very gently, he placed an open palm on her shoulder. She flinched, but turned her head to look at him.

"You alright?" he asked softly.

"I'm fine," she snapped as he positioned her hands to punch the bag again. Before she could throw a punch, Clint gently closed his hand around her wrist.

"Let go of me Clint," she snapped.

"Nat, you're bleeding," he said as he saw the blood trickle down her hand. Still holding her wrist, he grabbed his handkerchief from his pocket and began to wipe it away.

"I said I'm fine! Just go!" she answered sharply. Pulling her hand away, she immediately went back to punching he bag. By now, a blotch of red could be seen on the bag. Clint didn't want to go. He didn't want to leave her like this.

She was hurting and she needed help.

A small cry escaped her lips as her hand made contact with the bag. Her hand was stinging from the wounds that she had inflicted upon herself. Once again, Clint grabbed her wrist to stop her.

"Nat, please. Let me help you," he said softly as he looked at her hand.

Reluctantly, she let him lead her to a bench located in the corner of the room. With tears in her eyes, she watched him walk over to the small sink in the opposite corner of the room to dampen his handkerchief with cold water. Within seconds, he was back at her side and taking her hand in his.

She flinched when the cold cloth touched her injured hand.

"Sorry," Clint said quietly as he continued to work. With tired eyes, she watched him clean the blood off each wound and then dry them with another towel that he had brought over. He didn't have any bandages to cover them, so he had to make sure they were as clean he could get them. When he was done, he slowly wrapped his arms around her. This was the first time he had held her since baby Maria's funeral.

"What happened?" he whispered into her hair. She didn't answer him. Instead she pulled away.

She wouldn't look at him.

"Nat, we're all worried about you. What did Igor do to you?" he asked again.

"You already know!" she sobbed still looking down at the floor.

"No, I don't know. I don't know everything he did to you," Clint answered. Natasha finally looked up and glared at him.

"Yes you do, Barton," she snapped. She then placed a hand on her stomach.

"Oh, that," he said. "Nat, I'm so sorry."

"It doesn't matter. I don't want kids anyway."

"Nat-"

"Drop it, Barton!" she snapped. She then stood up and left the room. He flinched as he heard her feet pound on the steps.

For the next few minutes he just sat there. His mind was lost. Natasha had finally talked to someone, but it didn't go like he wanted it to. He wanted to hold her and comfort her. He wanted to possibly convince her to have kids. He knew she couldn't get pregnant, but maybe she and Steve could adopt a child like they did with Leia's baby.

There were many memories of him when his three kids were born. The one that would stay with him forever was when Lila was little, she would fall asleep on his chest while he himself took a nap. Laura took a picture of it and he kept it on his dresser all the time. Neither Cooper or Nathaniel ever fell asleep on him. They always fell asleep on top of Laura.

Once he regained his composure, he got another towel, dampened it, and went over to the punching bag to start cleaning it.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter marks the end of phase 4

(3 days later)

Natasha was restless. The memories of her mission in Bahrain nearly 2 weeks ago were still in her head. Every time she closed her eyes, they were there. Memories of her getting shot three times in the leg, being nearly strangled to death by Igor, killing an innocent girl, being sterilized, and barely escaping the building when it was set on fire. She had to be air-lifted out of the field.

Even as she was unmoving in the medical wing when she got back to base after completing the weeklong mission, voices of doctors and nurses flooded her mind. She couldn't remember them when she woke up that day, but now she was starting to remember them.

They screamed in her head. "She's lost a lot of blood!"

"BP is falling!"

"We might have to amputate her leg!"

"Come on Natasha. Don't' leave us."

After spending a couple days and over an hour of convincing Agent Bennett to clear her, Natasha left the base and returned to DC.

Dr. Anderson had given her a strong painkiller earlier today to take to help ease the pain in her leg and her stomach from her double surgery, but it had now worn off since she took it 4 hours ago. She wanted to take it again, but she couldn't move. Her body was stiff. So she closed her eyes and tried to sleep.

Sleep never came for her.

The nightmare of being shot was flooding her mind, however each time the bullet hit, it felt like 2 at a time were hitting her. On the third hit, she screamed so loud that it woke everyone in the base. The next thing she heard, was someone banging on her door.

"Nat!" he called. It was Steve. Just about every night, he was the one to come to her door and knock to get her attention. However she wouldn't let anyone in. The nightmares were too traumatic to talk about. If she wasn't dreaming about being shot, she was dreaming about being sterilized and then the procedure that was done the following day to make sure it stayed permanent.

"Nat!" Steve called again. "Are you OK?"

"I'm fine!" she shouted back.

"Nat, you're not fine. Please, open the door. Let me help you!"

"I don't need help!"

Steve continued to knock on the door. By now, Coulson, Anna and Clint were awake and coming toward him.

"Cap, what's going on?' Coulson asked. Steve stopped knocking and turned toward Coulson.

"She had another nightmare, but she won't let me in to help her."

"Here, let me try," Anna said. Steve then stepped back to allow Anna to come forward.

"Natasha?" Anna asked as she quietly knocked on the door.

"Go away, Anna!" Natasha snapped.

"Natasha. Please let us in. We can help you," Anna pleaded.

"I don't need anyone's help! I'm fine!" she shouted. Anna then froze as she heard Natasha moving about the room, reaching in her nightstand for her gun. Clint then came up and put his hand on Anna's shoulder. She turned and let him lead her away from the door, but not out of the hallway.

Coulson then handed Steve a key that opened Natasha's door. Steve came forward and unlocked it. He didn't care if she had a gun pointed at him, he wanted to help his wife calm down.

The second he had the door open, Natasha pointed her gun directly at his forehead.

"Get out!" she shouted as she cocked the gun.

"Nat, drop the weapon. Now!" he said to her with an elevated tone.

"Get out of here, Steve!" she shouted again.

Her finger was on the trigger.

She was struggling to stay standing, but she made her legs cooperate.

"Nat, please, drop the weapon and let us help you," Steve pleaded.

"I told you. I don't need help!"

And with that she pulled the trigger.

"Nat!" Steve said as he ducked to miss the bullet. It hit the wall above the door, causing Anna to jump. Clint wrapped her arms around her to comfort her.

She was shaking.

"Nat, drop the weapon! Now!" Steve shouted.

Before she could shout back at him, a sharp pain went up her leg and she fell. The weapon fell out her hand. Steve rushed in the room, pushed the weapon away with his foot, and moved to help Natasha off the floor.

She fought him as he helped her up and onto the bed to sit down. He then wrapped his arms around her shaking body and stroked her head, cherishing whatever few minutes he had to hold her after weeks of not being able to.

"Shh. It's Ok. It's OK," he soothed.

She never relaxed in his arms.

She was too shaken.

Steve did his best to comfort her, but she wouldn't accept it. She just wanted him out the room so she could try and sleep, that is if it would ever come to her.

"Nat. Please let me stay with you. Please, Nat, let me stay with you."

"No, I don't need your help," she sobbed into his chest.

"Nat, please. You've been like this for the past 2 weeks. Please let me stay with you. Let me help you sleep," Steve said soothingly

"Go away, Steve!" she snapped. "Please just go away. I'm fine!"

At first Steve didn't want to let go of her, but when she shifted in his arms, he quickly kissed her on the head and moved to leave.

"I love you, and I'm here for you. No matter what," he said as he looked at her face, which was filled with fear. With tears in his eyes, he closed the door.

He didn't want to lock her in there.

He wanted to be near her.

He wanted to hold her and tell her that everything was going to be OK.

"Oh dear, God. Please help her to sleep tonight," he said as he made his way back to his room.

Meanwhile, Natasha painfully made her way to the door and locked it. She then moved a chair under the handle so that no one could come in.

She was fine.

She could handle herself.

She then located her gun on the floor and moved back to her bed, took two more pills to ease her pain, and once again, did her best to sleep. Tomorrow, she knew what she was going to do. She was going to get off base. She didn't know where she wanted to go, but after the events of the last 10 minutes, she needed to escape.

* * *

Anna was still wrapped up in Clint's arms. She was sobbing into his chest. Clint was sobbing too. He had never seen Natasha that enraged before.

"Clint," she whimpered.

"Shh. It's OK," he soothed as he stroked her head.

"I've never seen her like that before," Anna sobbed.

"Me neither, and I've worked with her for years," Clint said.

"She almost shot Steve."

"She would've gotten him if he hadn't ducked in time," Clint responded. He felt Anna shudder against him.

"I'm so scared, Clint. I can't sleep," Clint then kissed her on the head and helped her lay down on her bed.

"I'll stay with you tonight," he soothed. He then pulled up the chair that was by her desk and did his best to get comfortable.

Just like he always did for Natasha when she had trouble sleeping, he held Anna's hand in his and watched her fall asleep. Within minutes, he himself was falling asleep, listening to Anna's slow breathing and the sound of pouring rain against the window.

* * *

It was Anna who saw Natasha's door wide open the following morning. The bed was neatly made and there were three envelopes on top of it. Calling the team into the room she picked up the envelope labeled "To: Everyone" and opened it.

"What is it?" Clint asked. Anna pulled out a piece of paper and began to read. It was handwritten in Natasha's neat handwriting.

"Please do not follow me or contact me. I need to be alone. There are too many horrible memories in this place. Natasha. PS. Steve and Anna, the two additional envelopes are for you."

Clint took the note from Anna as she picked up her envelope and opened it. Inside was the cross necklace that she had given to Natasha last April. The note read: _You can have this back. I don't want it._

"Sorry, Anna," Coulson said when he saw the silver chain in her hand. Anna nodded her thanks as tears started to fall from her eyes.

It was the sound of Steve slamming the door behind him that made everyone turn their heads.

It was Anna who was first to look at the nightstand, and she nearly fainted.

Of all the things that Natasha had done to them since leaving on this mission by herself, this had to be the worse.

"Oh my gosh!" Clint gasped when he looked down.

There was no note beside the envelope, no explanation.

Just two small objects that actually looked like they needed polishing.

Her wedding rings.


	21. Chapter 21

Steve stormed out of the room and slammed the door.

Why did Natasha leave her wedding rings behind?

Was this supposed to mean something? Angrily, he went to the training room and started beating the punching bag.

So lost in thought he didn't notice the faded bloodstain in the middle of bag. Apparently Clint didn't do a good job when he cleaned it a few days ago. He knew whose blood it was. It was Natasha's. Clint had told him that he had found her beating on the bag until she couldn't hit it anymore without causing pain.

He eventually stopped when sand began to ooze out of a hole the he had formed. He didn't bother with cleaning it up. He was mad. His wife had left him.

He had no one.

Once he regained his composure, he rejoined the team, who were all gathered in Room 3 to discuss where their fellow agent had gone.

"Anna, do you think she could've gone to your place?" Coulson asked. Anna shook her head.

"I don't think she would go there without me," she answered. She then looked at Clint. "Clint, do you think she would go to the farm?"

"That's a possibility, but again, she wouldn't go there without me. Laura would think the worst," Clint answered.

"She wouldn't go to my apartment either," Steve chimed in. Just then, Coulson's phone went off. It was Tony Stark.

"What do you want Stark?" Coulson asked frustratingly

"Red back from her mission yet? I was snooping around SHIELD's files and I couldn't find anything."

Coulson just hung up the phone without responding. He wasn't in the mood for talking, especially to Stark. The only thing that mattered to him was finding his second in command, who had apparently gone AWOL.

"Stark?" Anna asked. Coulson nodded his head yes.

Steve was sitting next to Anna holding Natasha's wedding rings in his fist. He couldn't believe she left them. What made it worse is that there was no reason as to why she left them.

They were in an envelope by themselves.

While Coulson, Clint, and Anna continued to converse on Natasha's whereabouts, he silently stood up and left the room.

"I'll find her," he whispered to himself as he grabbed a duffel bag from his closet. He quickly shoved in a few clothes inside and zipped it shut. He was going to his apartment. There was too much grief and stress.

Just as he was about to leave the room, his eyes focused on the picture of him and Natasha that was sitting on his nightstand. She was smiling and there wasn't a trace of fear anywhere in her eyes. A few tears formed in his eyes. He hadn't seen Natasha smile in who knows how long.

He wanted to see it again.

Grabbing the wooden frame off the nightstand, he closed his door and headed to the garage where his motorcycle was parked.

* * *

"Where did Steve go?" Clint asked looking at the empty chair next to Anna. Everyone had been so deep in conversation that they didn't notice that he left.

'I don't know. He just got up and left," Anna answered.

"Great, so that's two agents I have missing," Coulson said as he leaned back in his chair.

"At least he took his phone," Clint answered as he pulled his own from his pocket. "I just got a text from him saying that Nat's not at his apartment and that he needs a few days alone."

"Tell him we'll be praying," Anna said as she pulled out her own phone. Noah had texted her wanting to know how things were going. She simply responded "horrible."

After saying a quick prayer for both Steve and Natasha, the three of them decided to escape the base to get something to eat.

No one wanted to be there right now.

Too much grief and stress.

"Sir, would you mind if I took a few days to myself as well?" Anna asked once they had returned from lunch.

"Anna, we need you here. You're still holding us together," Coulson said.

"I know, but if Natasha shows up at my house, I need to be there."

"And if she doesn't?"

"Well, I'll stay a few days in case she does. Plus, Noah and I haven't seen each other since I was last home."

Coulson thought for a few moments. He needed someone that Natasha trusted to stay at the base should she return. Eventually he made a decision and agreed she could go home.

"Just keep in contact with me," he said.

"I will, Sir. Please call me if she returns."

"You have my word."

After Anna left via commercial flight, it was now a two-man team at SHIELD. Steve was at his apartment, Dr. Anderson and Kathleen were on staying on Alderaan for a few days and would then come back with the rest of Kathleen's belongings, and Kennedy was on a mission with Sharon. Coulson had been giving them a lot of short and easy missions because neither Steve nor Clint wanted them. They were both worried about Natasha too much to even focus on anything else.

Before going to bed, Coulson called Tony back and apologize for being so rude. He accepted it and hung. Coulson was thankful he didn't ask any questions. He didn't feel like answering any anyway. After reading a text from Anna that Natasha wasn't at her house, he pulled up the Bible app on his phone and began to read the passage for the current plan that he was working on.

* * *

Neither of them slept that night.

They were both worried about Natasha.

What if she got in an accident while trying to escape? What if an enemy turned up and captured her. Even though the majority of her enemies were gone, there were a few HYDRA agents that would do anything to get their hands on the renowned Black Widow.

Wherever she was, everyone agreed that she wasn't in Russia. Russia was the last place she would be.

She wanted nothing to do with that country anymore.

The only option left for where Natasha could go was Clint's farm. Clint had told him that Natasha had made that place her second home.

"Are you going to stay too?" Coulson asked. The two of them were in Coulson's room. He was leaving about an hour after Clint was to go to celebrate his engagement to Audrey with her family.

"Yeah. Sorry, Sir, kinda don't want to be here right now," Clint answered.

"No one does. You're not alone."

"Just keep praying, Sir."

"I haven't stopped. Keep your head up, Barton. She'll come home soon," Colson said shaking his hand. Clint left the base.

Coulson was right.

Natasha would come home.


	22. Chapter 22

Escaping the base wasn't a problem for Natasha.

Everyone was asleep when she left, so she didn't have to worry about getting caught. Unless Steve decided to go for his run earlier than normal, she could easily slip out and be long gone before anyone woke up.

She regretted leaving her phone behind. She had no one to contact anyone for help if she needed it. She didn't even bother with turning on the radio. She just wanted things to be quiet.

She had no idea where she was going. All she knew is that she was going away. Away from the constant questions form Coulson and the team and away from the uneasiness she felt every second she was on base.

Two hours later, she stopped at a roadside rest to walk around and stretch her legs. Her left leg was getting better, but it would be awhile before it healed. As far as what happened last night when she was in pain, that was something that almost always happened when she wasn't walking on it. Due to the intensity of last night's situation, the pain was worse than normal.

Once she got a snack and drink from the vending machine, she was back in her car and on the road, and once again, in silence.

So focused on the road ahead and putting as much distance as she could from DC, she didn't realize that someone was tailing her, and they were right on her bumper. She tried speeding up, but the car sped up as well. Making a quick decision to turn left as the intersection, she turned on her blinker and made her move, however the car still followed her. To make things worse, the car that was following her was SHIELD-issued.

"Oh crap," she thought to herself. Clint or Steve must've followed her. She tried for a second time to speed up, but the two cars were quicker. Realizing they weren't going to leave her alone, she pulled over. If it was Coulson, she was dead meat. An agent going AWOL was a big no-no in his book.

To her surprise, it wasn't Coulson. Instead, it was Agent Melinda May. Another figure was also in the car with May, and he was getting out and approaching her. Despite the fact that she knew who Agent May was, she reached into the glove box and pulled out her gun.

Natasha nearly jumped in her seat when he taped on her window. His tall form blocked nearly all the sunlight.

"Agent Romanoff?" he said. Natasha froze. She was scared. How in the world did this man know who she was?

With panic starting to wrack her body, she tossed her gun on the passenger seat and quickly drove away. She didn't get very far The SHIELD car was once again following her. She tried to speed up, but disaster struck. Something hit her car and she lost control.

Despite the fact that she had her seatbelt on, she still jerked forward once her car finally came to a stop. Her heart was racing and she could hardly breathe. She still gripped the steering wheel firmly when another knock sounded on her window. She turned her head slowly, expecting to see the male figure again, but this time, but it wasn't. It was Agent May, and she looked somewhat shocked. Seeing a familiar face, Natasha rolled down her window.

"Natasha, are you OK?" she asked. No, Natasha was not OK. She had a huge headache from whatever she had crashed into, which ended up being a bush, and a SHIELD agent and someone she didn't know were tailing her.

"Why were you following me?" Natasha asked completely ignoring Agent May's question.

"Melinda, is she hurt?" the man asked as he came up by the car. Natasha flinched in her seat. The guy was a dark-skinned African-African man. Acting quickly she grabbed her gun and pointed it at him.

"Easy, Agent. I'm not going to hurt you," he said calmingly.

"Who are you and how do you know me?" she asked, never lowering her gun.

"I'm Dr. Andrew Garner. I used to work as a psychologist within SHIELD," he answered. Natasha stared up at him in shock. If he used to work for SHIELD, then he probably knew about her time in the Red Room, which also meant he knew about Bahrain.

"Natasha," Agent May spoke again, "Andrew and I heard about Bahrain, and we want to try and help you."

"I don't need any help," Natasha stated shaking her head.

"Then where were you going, Agent?" Andrew asked. Natasha couldn't answer that. In all honesty, she didn't know where she was heading. She just wanted to get away from DC.

"Apparently nowhere right now," she eventually answered.

"Are you hurt?" he asked while Agent May called a tow truck.

"Just a stupid headache," she answered. Andrew then reached inside the car, unlocked the door, and opened it.

"Come with us," he said calmingly as he held out his hand. Reluctantly Natasha took his hand as eh helped her out of her car. He led her to their car and gave her something to ease her headache.

The tow truck arrived and the mechanic was already hooking Natasha's car to the back of it while another man talked with Agent May.

"Should be a couple of days. The tire's in really bad shape, and I don't see a spare," the mechanic said.

"That was the spare!" Natasha called from May's car. The mechanic heard her and nodded.

"I'll get a new set of tires as well as a spare for her," he said.

"Thank you, Sir," Agent May said.

With the tow truck leading the way, Agent May, Andrew, and Natasha were back on the road. Natasha sat in the back and leaned her head against the window to try and relax after what had just happened. At the next turn, the tow truck went one direction while Agent May got back on the highway.

"How did you know where to find me?" Natasha asked a few minutes later. There was no point in sleeping. The motion of the car made her head spin again.

"Your car has a GPS in it. Coulson contacted me to try and find you to see if I can be of any help," May answered.

"So is that why you shot my tire?"

"I didn't want to do that, but you left me no choice," May answered. Natasha groaned. "Don't worry, we'll pay for everything."

"Thank you. So umm, I'm guessing you know about Bahrain?" Natasha asked.

"All I know is that you were sent there and that you had a similar experience to the one that I had when I was there."

"I never filed a report about it. How did you know?"

"I'm friends with Agent Bennett. We've know each other since the year I was there. She called me and told me briefly what happened,' May explained. Natasha didn't respond to that. She was still mad at Agent Bennett for messing the team about her return. It was partly her fault that she was deciding to go AWOL. Agent Bennett messaged the team telling them that she was coming home, thus causing them trying to help her.

However she didn't want the help.

She needed to deal with this herself.

The car was silent for the next few minutes, except for Andrew pressing buttons on the car's GPS system. "Where are they taking me?" she thought to herself. It was clear they weren't taking her back to DC, because the GPS was telling them to head to a place in New York.

"Great," Natasha thought to herself. Agent May was taking her to wherever she lived in New York, where this Andrew person was probably going to try and help her through the emotional stress of her last mission of which she did not want to talk about, especially to someone she didn't even know.

Unable to do anything, she leaned her head back on the headrest and eventually let sleep claim her.


	23. Chapter 23

Steve woke up and groaned when his alarm went off. He hadn't been getting much sleep since Natasha left for Bahrain, more specifically the past two nights. He was worried about her.

She was alone and she was hurting.

He silenced his alarm. He didn't feel like going for a run today. What he really wanted to do was find Natasha and bring her home. There was something else he wanted too. He wanted a family. He wanted to have what Clint had, a simple life with maybe one or two kids. However that wasn't the case because of what Igor had done to Natasha. Igor had sterilized her, thus her having to have her uterus and ovaries removed. His next option was adoption like they did with Leia's baby, but what would Natasha think? Would she even consider it?

Two hours later, after forcing himself out of bed, he got showered, dressed, ate breakfast, and left. He was going somewhere today. He was going to his hometown for the day.

He didn't exactly have a specific reason for going there. He just wanted to be far away from SHIELD. Ever since Natasha had left on the mission, nothing had been right. His entire sleep schedule was off because of spending half the night tossing and turning, worrying about Natasha and where she was. He tried to read scripture, but nothing was helping. The only way he managed maybe a total of four hours was when he held Natasha's wedding rings in his palm, which were attached to the chain that once held his dog tags, His dog tags were safely tucked away in Natasha's jewelry box. He had given them to her as a birthday present last year.

"Keep them safe," he told her as she held them.

"I will," she answered as she placed them around her neck.

He made his way to Central Park and just sat down on a bench and stared into the distance. There wasn't much going on. Just a few kids playing catch, an elderly couple sitting on a bench across from him, a young couple who looked to be in their teens walking around, and a family of four having a picnic.

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the folded of picture of him and Natasha that once used to sit on his nightstand. He had probably stared at this picture numerous times, but surprisingly, it the only one that he had of her where she was smiling.

"Nat, where are you?" he asked himself as he let a few teardrops fall onto the picture. His thoughts then drifted to what the two of them were doing when that picture was taken. It was the day that they renewed their wedding vows, and it was a day that he would never forget. He thought about what each of them had said.

They told each other that they loved one another.

Nowadays it didn't seem like it.

"God," he began to pray. "I don't know what to say or do anymore. I'm starting to lose my faith in you. Please, if you're still there, please help me and bring my wife home to me. Amen."

About a half an hour later, he left the park and headed back to his apartment. There was somewhere else he needed to go, but he needed to pack a few things first. Within two hours, he was leaving La Guardia and headed to the one place he hoped he would find answers.

Avalon Christian Church.

* * *

Since he landed late last night, he was forced to rent a car and find a hotel room to spend the night. It was at the hotel that he emailed Pastor Evans about coming to see him the following morning.

"Pastor, thank you for meeting with me. Sorry for the short notice," Steve said as he sat down in Pastor Evans' office.

"Anytime, Captain," Pastor Evans responded. "What's on your heart today?"

Steve wasn't sure where to begin. He was ashamed because had hadn't been to church since Maria was baptized at the last infant baptism, which was about a month after she was born. He didn't feel like it was right to be here asking for help, but he was here. He was here because this was the only option he could think of. Anna's emotional battle was getting worse.

"Sir, I just don't know what to do anymore," he began. "My wife went on a mission by herself and nothing has been right. She even left me a couple days ago."

It was silent as the news sunk in. Pastor Evans knew in bits and pieces about what was happening at SHIELD because of Anna, but he didn't know that Natasha had left him.

"Did she say why she was leaving?" he asked.

"She said there were too many horrible memories," Steve answered. Pastor Evans leaned forward and braced his elbows on his desk.

"What do you mean by 'horrible memories'?" he asked next. Steve closed his eyes and began to think. What did Natasha mean? Were things that bad at SHIELD since losing Maria? Was she traumatized by the double surgery she had to have to save her? Was she still traumatized by that one nightmare she had long ago? Was she traumatized by the events that occurred the night before she went AWOL?

"I'm not sure, Sir," he eventually replied.

"Cap, have you and her had a chance to grieve for any of your three children that you lost?"

Steve shook his head no. Yes, they had a small funeral for them, but he and Natasha never took time alone to grieve for them themselves.

"She didn't even want to talk to me about how she felt," Steve answered.

"How do you feel about it?" Pastor Evans asked.

"I'm hurt. I was so excited about having a family, and then it was taken away from me, twice. What kind of God allows that?" he asked as he started to get frustrated. Pastor Evans was unsure about how to answer that, because he didn't know.

"I wondered the same thing five years ago when my son was taken from me. He was 16 and was killed by a drunk driver. He was my only son and I didn't understand why God had taken him from me. It was during that season of my life that I learned that God has a plan for everything. Steve, God has a plan for both you and Natasha. I firmly believe that she will come home to you."

"Should I be mad at her for leaving me?" Steve asked.

"You have a right to be mad, but don't stay mad at her forever, especially if you still love her."

"I do still love her,"

"Then all you can do right now is be patient and wait for her to come home. I would also challenge you to read the book of Job. He suffered more than you or Natasha have ever endured, but he still remained faithful to God." Pastor Evans said.

"I'll put it on the list," Steve answered. "I remember reading it when I first read the bible, but that was a long time ago."

"I would read it again, and do it slowly. Let the words speak to you."

After saying a prayer, Steve left Pastor Evans' office and went back to his hotel to grab his bag. There was somewhere else he needed to go before he went back to SHIELD. There was something he needed to do for Natasha for when she came home.

* * *

Clint could hardly focus as he chopped wood outside. This was his way of relieving stress if he wasn't at SHIELD. It was his second day at the farm since Natasha went AWOL. Though he enjoyed the time away from SHIELD to be with Laura and the kids, he missed Natasha. If she was OK and was safe and sound at the base then he wouldn't be worried. However she was nowhere to seen or heard from and she was hurting physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To make things worse, she had shut everyone out after coming home from the mission, and that hurt more than anything.

Eventually, he finished the pile that he was working on that morning and carried it to the barn for storage. Cooper was with him, helping him stack the wood neatly in the barn so that it would be ready for the winter. The two worked in silence. Cooper already knew briefly what was going on, based on what he overheard from his dad talking with Laura, but he couldn't talk about it with Lila around. She was still too young. All she knew is that Auntie Nat was away.

"Hey, Coop. Can you finish up in here? I'm going to take a break," Clint said as he wheeled in the last load. Cooper nodded and began to unload the wheelbarrow while Clint walked out and headed toward the house.

Laura greeted him at the door with a glass of iced tea, which he downed in two big gulps.

"We're going to have a lot of warm nights thanks to you," she said smiling. Clint nodded but didn't say anything. His mind was lost in thought.

"Honey, if you were hurting, where would you go?" he asked eventually. Laura looked somewhat surprised at Clint's question. She knew where this was going.

"I would call my handsome husband and have him hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright,' she answered as the two of them sat on the porch.

"Remind me again why I married you?" Clint asked smiling.

"Because you love me and you can't live without me," she answered.

"And I still do," he said as he leaned in to give her a kiss.

"I'm guessing no word on Nat?"

"No, she didn't even take her phone with her."

"Did she take anything?" Laura asked,

"Not that we know of. Umm, she left her wedding rings behind too."

Laura looked at Clint with a surprised face. "Why did she do that?"

"We're not sure. There was no note with them." Clint answered.

"Don't you think she's being a little selfish and irresponsible?"

Clint pondered on what his wife had just said. She was partly right. Natasha had shut everyone out and was not talking to anyone. Then she goes AWOL and doesn't say where she's going or when she'll return.

"I've never known Nat to do anything like this," he eventually answered.

"Are you still praying?" she asked. Clint looked at his wife and gave her a small smile. Laura was now a believer thanks to him and Natasha last May.

"To be honest, I'm starting to lose faith. I think Steve is too," he eventually answered.

"Don't lose faith Clint. One day she'll come to her senses and come home. And when she does, you make sure that she never goes on a solo mission ever again and that she never leaves her husband."

"I will. You have my word," he said as he stood up. He pulled his wife to her feet and wrapped her in a hug.

"I love you," he whispered into her hair.

"I love you too. Hawkeye," she answered chuckling a bit.

The sound of the door opening and closing interrupted their little moment. It was Lila.

"Daddy!" she called. Laura left Clint's arms and went back inside.

"Hey, sweetie. Did you have a nice nap?" he asked as he bent down to pick her up.

"Yeah. I dreamed that  Auntie Nat was here playing with me."

Clint smiled at that. Lila always liked it when he brought Natasha to the farm and Natasha liked coming because she got to play with Lila. 

"I want to see her again, Daddy," she said.

"Me too, sweetie. Me too."

After holding Lila for a few minutes, she squirmed to get down so she could go back inside and play. Once Clint knew she was inside, he sat back down and put his head in his hands.

"Dear God, I'm starting to lose faith in you. I think Steve is too. Please, if you're still there, please bring Natasha home from wherever she has gone. Wrap your arms around her and keep her safe. I know she's hurting and it's hurting me too. Please LORD, help her to come to her senses and come home. Amen."

After sitting out on the porch for a few more minutes, he went inside the house. Laura was making lunch and Lila was at her little craft table making what looked like a card for Natasha. If she wanted to, he would make sure that Natasha got it when she came home.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get a couple tissues out.

 Five days.

Five days is how long Natasha had been away from SHIELD, and everything seemed to be going OK. She had her car back from the repair shop as of two days ago, but she never left the house. Today, however she decided to go for a drive around town to try and clear her head. She was so fortunate that she had found a way to turn off the GPS so that no one could know where she was. Even though Coulson was able to track her, he never came out after her. She guessed that he probably just told Agent May to help her in any way that she could

Her drive didn't go so well. Within fifteen minutes of her drive, she was forced to pull into a parking lot of a grocery store.

"Please, not now," she thought to herself. The image of her being left alone and handcuffed to the bed after being sterilized was flooding her mind. She blinked a few times trying to clear her mind, but it wouldn't leave her. She shut off the car and quickly ran inside the store and headed to the bathroom. She barely made it into the stall as her stomach flipped over, causing her to throw up instantly. Fortunately, no one was in the bathroom when this happened. The last thing she needed was for someone to try and help her.

She breathed heavily for a few minutes, waiting to see if she would get sick again. This was probably the first time in her life that she had ever gotten sick during a flashback. After washing her mouth out with water, she bought a bottle of ginger ale and went back out to her car and drove home, breathing in and out to keep herself calm.

Despite the fact that she hardly knew who Agent May and Andrew were, they were still very pleasant and patient with her as she shared bits and pieces of her mission with them. However there were still a few things that she wouldn't share with them, such as being sterilized. That was too painful to talk about. Last night, and against her better judgement, Andrew ran a psyche eval on her and the results were exactly what she expected.

Igor had damaged her.

It would take a long time before she would be fully healed.

When she made it home, she went to the room that Agent May offered her and laid down to take a nap. She still hadn't been getting a lot of sleep since coming here. Nightmares and flashbacks always flooded her mind. Agent May would usually be the one to help her. She would try falling back asleep, but she couldn't get herself to do it. If she was lucky, she maybe managed four hours a night.

* * *

She woke up about an hour later from a dreamless sleep, for which she was thankful for. If she had another attack or even a nightmare with no one here, things wouldn't go so well.

Blinking her eyes a few times, she pulled out her phone from her pocket to check the time. It was one of those cheap flip phones that Agent May suggested she buy since she didn't have a phone. Also, it was a good idea should she need something.

It was 4:00 in the afternoon. May and Andrew would be back in about an hour, so she decided to take a long shower to try and relax her muscles. It was especially soothing to her leg. She had refused physical therapy when she came home, so that's why it was taking longer to heal. She wanted it to heal so that driving would be easier on her and so that she could run again. Anna and Steve had both told her numerous times that running was a great stress reliever.

Every time she stared at the three scars, she found herself biting her lip to hold back her anger. Igor shooting her was the third worst thing that had happened on this mission. The first was sterilization and the second was the young girl that she he had ordered her to kill.

It was as she was finishing up when she glanced at her right hand.

Something was missing.

Her wedding rings.

There was no need to panic. She knew where they were. They were back at SHIELD so that she wouldn't lose them like she lost her necklace. She did her best to hold back her tears as she toweled herself dry, but by the time she was dressed in yoga pants and a tank top, they were falling rapidly down her face like a waterfall.

She wanted her rings back. Her hand felt weird without them. The only time she ever took them off was when she was sleeping or in the shower. Yes, even during a mission she managed to keep both of them on. If they got dirty, which they always did, she would clean them and put them back on right away.

She wished she had left a note to say why she left them, but she didn't. Her mind was so focused on leaving the base before anyone heard her that the note she left for Anna about her necklace was barely legible. She had no idea what Steve was thinking about all of this, or even worse, what the rest of the team was thinking. She hoped it wasn't the worst. 

With her hair still wet and starting to soak the back of her shirt, she made her way into the closet, shut the door, and sat in the dark as she sobbed loudly. She did love Steve and she still wanted to be married to him. She wanted to be happy again. She wanted to have her rings back so she could look at them shining in the light. She wanted to see Clint again.

"I need to make this right!" she spoke through the tears. She then stepped out to grab her phone.

Closing herself back in the closet, she opened her phone and just started at it as a million thoughts raced through her head. What if no one answered? What if they hung up on her when she told them it was her? She continued to sob as she pondered on who to call. She knew everyone's numbers by heart, so that didn't exactly help her decision.

Finally, after her tears somewhat stopped, she dialed the number of the one person she could trust.

Anna Flannigan.

"This is Flannigan," Anna said when she answered the phone.

Natasha was silent for a few seconds. What if Anna didn't want to talk to her? What if she was too busy to talk right now?

"Hello?" Anna asked again.

Anna?" Natasha asked, her voice raspy from tears.

"Yes?"

Natasha took a deep breath before speaking. "Anna, its Natasha."

There was hustling on the other end of the line and then a door closing. Natasha guessed that Anna was in her room and had just closed the door.

"Nat, where are you? We're all worried sick about you?" she asked. Natasha heard another door close. Anna was probably closing herself in her closet as well.

"I know, and I'm sorry. I wish I could go back and change everything," she sobbed.

"Where are you?"

"I'm somewhere safe," she answered. She then took a breath before speaking again. "Anna, I've abandoned God."

"Natasha, listen to me. No matter how far you think you can get away from Him, He's always pursuing you. He's never stopped. You may have abandoned Him, but He hasn't abandoned you."

The tears started once again as Natasha let Anna's words sink into her heart. She couldn't believe it. God was still pursuing her, but did He still love her?

"How's Steve?" she managed to ask.

"He's hurting. We all are," Anna answered. That brought on another round of fresh tears. It was her fault. Steve was hurting because he probably thought he lost his wife, Clint was hurting because his best friend went on a mission by herself and nearly got killed, and Anna was hurting because she had abandoned the one person that she couldn't live without.

Placing the phone on speaker, she set it down and buried her face into her hands. Her sobs were growing louder, loud enough for Anna to hear, but she didn't hear her say anything.

She almost thought she heard the line go dead, but it didn't. Instead she heard someone singing, and they were the words that had changed her life.

"When you're on your knees and answers seem so far away. You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held. Your word's not falling apart, its falling into place. I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held." There was brief pause, and then Anna spoke again. "Natasha, God still loves you, no matter what you have done. He hasn't left your side, and He's holding you in his arms."

Natasha couldn't stop crying. Anna was getting through to her, just like she always had. The phone remained on speaker as she continued to sob. Anna didn't say anything. She just waited for Natasha to respond. She knew that something was happening due to all of the sobbing she heard. She even let few tears roll out herself. Hearing Natasha cry made her cry sometimes.

Finally, Natasha picked up the phone and took it off speaker. "Anna, I'm not ready to come home yet," she said. Her voice was so raspy she thought Anna wouldn't hear it.

"Nat, where are you? Is someone after you?" Anna asked. Natasha could tell that she wanted her home instead of talking on the phone.

"No. No one's after me. I just need to make things right with God before anyone else."

"OK. I can help you whenever you're ready," Anna answered.

"Thank you."

"Can I at least tell the team that you're safe?"

Natasha thought for a few seconds. In all honesty, she wanted Anna to get Steve so she could tell him she was sorry for shooting at him and leaving her rings, but what if Steve wasn't there? What if he left SHIELD? She also could've asked for Clint, but again the same thing. What if he retired? What if he was with Laura?

"No, not yet," she answered.

"Nat, we're all worried about you. Coulson wants to-"

"This is an order, Agent Flannigan, do not tell anyone about this conversation," Natasha said sharply. For the next few seconds, there was silence. Was Anna mad that it was an order? Would Anna even listen to her? Finally, Anna agreed and told her to call when she was ready.

"I will," Natasha responded. She then hung up the phone without even saying good-bye. She then tossed it in her lap and once again buried her face in her hands. Anna had given her hope, and that was all she needed to hear. To make things even better, Anna didn't sound angry when she learned who she was talking to. Instead she listened as she vented out her distress.

She eventually came out of the closet. May and Andrew were back, but they didn't bother her. She hoped that they didn't hear her sobbing. Otherwise she would have to explain everything, which right now, she didn't want to. She hardly had a voice left due to all of her sobbing.

She turned off her phone and plugged it in, and after washing her face with water, she made her way to bed and got comfortable under the covers. Tomorrow she would go somewhere and call Anna and have her help her restore her relationship with God.

She was done running.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a lot of things to say on this chapter that you need to know before you start reading.   
> 1) the two poems, "Storm Front" and "Heart and Love Through the Storm and Pain" you have probably seen on tumblr. I just want to say that some of the lines are song quotes and some are from "Heart of the Storm" by thegraytigress.   
> 2) Anna's emotional battle is a true story for me and Jenna Roberts (who you heard about from SAFE) is named after my friend from church.   
> 3) no copyright infringement intended on the song title and any of the quotes in the two poems.

Steve and Clint arrived within ten minutes of each other. Both were worn out from their trips, which were supposed to be relaxing. However neither of them had gotten any sleep. Both were worried about Natasha and where she was. Steve was probably the worst worn out because he had taken two trips in his absence. One was to see Pastor Evans at Avalon and the other was to Alderaan to have something engraved inside Natasha's wedding ring. If and when she came back, he would give her rings back to her and show her the engraving.

Anna was already standing in the main room when they came in. She needed to talk to Clint about something.

"Any word on Nat?" Steve asked. Truthfully, Anna knew the answer to that. Natasha was safe and she was alive, but she couldn't say that.

"She's still gone," she replied. Clint sighed as well as Steve.

"It just doesn't make sense why she would go AWOL. Even worse, why would she leave her wedding rings behind?" Clint asked.

"I don't know, Clint. Only God knows her heart and only He can change her," Anna answered as she held back tears. She missed Natasha too. She missed being able to talk to her about things that were going on in her life.

"I just hope it's soon. Lila wants to see her again."

"Aww, sweet child," Anna answered.

"She loves Nat like a second mom," Clint added.

"I have someone like that too. Her name is Jenna Roberts," Anna replied.

"Oh yeah, I think I remember meeting her last year or something," Clint answered. Meanwhile, Steve quietly left the two of them talking and headed to the room where Natasha had spent most of her time since coming back from Bahrain. He was too upset about her not being home to even pay attention to what Clint and Anna were talking about.

Closing the door, he sat on the bed and pulled out the picture, which was now all wrinkly and torn around the edges, and stared at it. Tears started to form in his eyes; they always did whenever he looked at this picture. He desperately wanted to see Natasha smile again, and not just in a picture.

"Nat, where are you? Please come home to me," he sobbed to himself. Angrily, he crumpled the picture and threw it at the door. Natasha was probably dead by now. She probably wasn't paying attention when she left the base and was hit by an oncoming car. No! That couldn't be true. Besides, if she was dead, he would've found out about it from the authorities.

Forcing himself to stand up, he walked to the door and picked up the picture and smoothed it out. He stared at it one last time and then tore it in half. Natasha no longer loved him. That's why she left the wedding rings. She didn't want to be married to him. It was just like what he read in Agent May's file when she was sent to Bahrain. May had divorced her husband after this mission and that's probably what Natasha was going to do to him when she was ready.

He was just about to leave the room when he spotted a book on the dresser. He recognized it as Natasha's prayer journal that Anna had bought her for her last birthday. He contemplated on looking at it. It was none of his business on what was written on those pages, but at the same time, he wondered if this is what Natasha did when she was locked up in this room. Sitting back down on the bed, he opened the journal to where Natasha had left a bookmark. Starting on the left and continuing on the right, was a poem that she had titled "Storm Front"

_Is this a heat wave?_   
_No._   
_It's a_   
_storm front_   
_with_   
_endless thunder,_   
_lightening crashes,_   
_gale force winds,_   
_and heavy cloud cover._

_I'm in the midsts of it,_   
_lost in the terminal frost_   
_of an eternal winter._

_Where is the heart in the mist of this storm?_   
_Why is there all this rain?_   
_Where is the light at_   
_the end of this tunnel?_

_Help! I need help!_

_I need someone to ground me,_   
_to take my hand and_   
_guide me_   
_through this storm._

_Life has hit me out of nowhere_   
_I'm barely holding on._   
_I'm tired of fighting._   
_I'm chained by my control._

_I'm freaked out,_   
_insecure,_   
_nervous,_   
_and erratic._

_I'm scared,_   
_abandoned,,_   
_fearful,_   
_and empty._

_Please make it stop!_

_Take me far away now,_   
_From this broken place now._   
_Somewhere they can't hurt me_   
_I wanna be moved by mercy_

_I'm on my knees._   
_Answers seem so far away._   
_My world is falling apart._

_I used to be a future burning bright,_   
_Now I'm just another sleepless night._

_Can this storm just end?_

_I'm drowning in a sea of regret._   
_I need someone to grab me,_   
_to pull me out_   
_of this never-ending_   
_storm._

_My adrenaline is pumping._   
_I need to run now._   
_I need to escape._

_Where do I go now?_   
_Where do I feel safe?_

_Home._   
_?_

His eyes teared up when he saw the question mark as the last line. Natasha didn't know where "home" was. For him, "home" was his apartment, more specifically if Natasha was with him. For Clint, "home' was his farm with his wife and kids. For Anna, "home" was her college that she said she wasn't going back to for the next school year.

Turning the page, he found a pen and began to write. He wouldn't tell her about it, instead he would just let her find it whenever she opened this book. The title was "Heart and Love Through the Storm and Pain". He wasn't much of a writer, so he just wrote what was on his heart:

_My love_   
_Just hang on_   
_it will all be over soon._   
_I'm right here_   
_I'm going to get you through this._   
_I promise you_   
_I'm going to get you through this._

_Take my hand_   
_It's going to be OK._   
_I've got you_   
_You are safe in my arms._

_I am the heart in the_   
_midst of your storm._   
_You are mine_   
_and I am yours._

_I love you_   
_and I'll never let you go._   
_I've got you._   
_It's going to be OK._   
_Just let yourself be_   
_held by me._   
_I will be with you_   
_every step of the way._

_I will love you_   
_through your pain._   
_You're world's not falling apart_   
_It's falling into place._

_My love_   
_Just stay here_   
_with me._

_I'll take you far away_   
_from every broken place._   
_I will carry you_   
_and share your tears._

_You don't have to_   
_run anymore._   
_Your home is here_   
_with me._

He smiled at what he wrote. He hoped she would take the time to read it if she came home. Circling the last stanza so that it would catch her attention, he closed the journal and put it back on the dresser. He then picked up both halves of the picture that he had torn apart just five minutes ago and took them to his room.

He was going to tape them together to make it whole again.

* * *

Anna sat in her room with tears falling from her eyes. "Every Man" by Casting Crowns was blaring on her ipod. She had just received a notification on when her friend's surgery was and she wasn't happy about the date. It was scheduled for the end of August, which was supposedly the weekend she would've been moving back to school. Now with her friend in surgery the weekend she needed to see her, she wasn't going to see her until she would return to church, was what about six weeks after the surgery date.

She was just about to leave her room and head to the gym to get on the treadmill when there was a knock at her door. Turning down her ipod and pausing it, she got up and opened the door.

"You OK?" Clint asked worriedly. He looked like he himself had been crying too.

"My friend, Jenna, has her surgery date," she answered, her voice strained from crying.

"When is it?"

"End of August, the same weekend I'm supposed to moving into college, not," she answered.

"Sorry, Anna," Clint said as he pulled her into his arms for a hug.

"I'm happy to know that she finally knows when it's going to be, but I'm not happy because of where it lands. I wanted to see her that weekend."

"Could you go and visit her? I could take you." Clint asked.

"Maybe. I'll have to ask her mom her room number once she's admitted in," Anna answered as she left Clint's arms.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked as Anna allowed him in her room to sit on the bed. Anna nodded as she dried her tears.

"Is this thing with your friend the emotional battle you keep talking about?"

Anna nodded yes. "It started the day after Nat left for Bahrain. She was diagnosed with MALS and would need surgery. It was while I was home when I learned she still didn't know when her surgery would be. Now that I know it, it just breaks me."

Clint put his arm around her shoulder as her tears started up again. Anna had spoken highly of Jenna, saying that she was like her second mom and that she comforted her in times of need. One specific instance was when both she and Jenna were scheduled to sing at church on the same weekend and Anna had to decline because of work. What made it worse is that Jenna was singing one of her favorite songs as a solo. She was able to attend the service, but was upset that she couldn't be onstage. It was Jenna's kindness and comforting words that allowed her to go to work.

"What else can God throw at me?" she sobbed.

"I don't know, Anna. He's thrown a lot at us lately, especially Nat." Clint answered.

"I wish she would come home."

"You're not the only one. Steve wants her home more than anything. He still wants to leave to go and find her," Clint said.

For the next few minutes, the two of them sat on Anna's bed as she dried up her tears. She then told him that she was going for a run on the treadmill before dinner. Running was always a great stress reliever for her. She had been doing a lot of it since she was also training for the half-marathon that was at the end of September.

* * *

During dinner, Anna shared with the team the parable of the prodigal son from the book of Luke. She told of how he left home and wasted all of his money and was forced to get a job feeding pigs.

"He was so hungry that he wanted to eat the food that the pigs were eating,' she said.

"That sounds disgusting," Clint said.

"Says one who lives on farm," Steve teased.

"Hey, I wouldn't want to eat a pig's food if I didn't live on a farm!" Clint exclaimed.

"Guys, let Anna finish the story," Coulson said. Steve and Clint turned their attention back to Anna.

"The son then came to his senses and realized that his father's servants had food to eat while he was starving to death. So he went home, prepared to tell his father that he didn't want to be his son anymore. However his father saw him from far away and ran to him and welcomed him home with open arms. Before the son could even begin his speech, his father told his servants that they were going to have a celebration and celebrate his homecoming."

Anna took a drink of water and waited a few seconds before going into her next thought.

"Guys, I know we're all hurting with Natasha being gone, but she'll be OK. Besides, didn't you tell me she was capable of handling herself?"

Everyone nodded yes. Coulson could even remember Natasha saying that to him before she left.

"And wouldn't we have found out by now if she was dead or captured?" Anna asked again

"That's true," Coulson responded.

"She'll be Ok, guys. We'll be OK. Just keep praying. I know our faith in God might be faltering right now because of this, but God is still there and He hears our prayers. And I firmly believe that He is looking out for Natasha."

The team nodded in silence. Natasha was going to be OK. If and when she came home, they would do exactly what the father did to his son in the story.

They would welcome her home with open arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story of the prodigal son can be found [here](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+15%3A11-32&version=NIV)


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the italics are a quote from Season one, episode nine of Agents of SHIELD titled "Repairs".

A few more days passed by before Natasha called Anna back. She had wanted to call the following day, but she couldn't get herself to do it. Something didn't feel right to her. How could God ever forgive someone like her, especially after what she did to her husband?

Agent May wasn't a spiritual person, but she was able to recall overhearing a conversation with an agent named Skye and a girl named Hannah Hutchins about God.

_"_ _The only words that stuck with me were something that Sister Mckenna said from the Bible I think. She said 'God is love.' It's simple and it's a little sappy but that's the version I like. God is love. The thing that holds of together, and if that's true, I don't think God would punish you for making a mistake. I think He'd forgive a mistake," Skye had said._

The words tugged at Natasha's heart as she packed up her belongings. Anna had always told her that God would forgive her for whatever sins she committed and that He always loved her. Within a half hour, she was driving away from May's apartment and headed to a SHIELD safe house that only she and Clint knew about. They rarely ever came here since the battle of New York. There had been no need to. Now there was. Natasha was ready to renew her faith.

Locking herself in the back bedroom of the house, she pulled out her phone and called Anna. It was time to do this. It was time to make things right.

"Hello?" Anna answered on the third ring. Again, Natasha didn't know what to say. She was still nervous about this. What if Anna couldn't talk right now? What if someone overhead them talking? Even with the doors closed on base, phone conversations could easily be heard.

"Anna, It's Nat," she finally answered.

"Nat, are you OK? I was getting worried."

"Yeah, I'm OK. I just needed a few days before I called you again. Um, what are you doing right now?" Natasha asked.

"I'm at the base in my room with the door closed," Anna answered.

"Crap," Natasha thought to herself. If she continued this conversation any further, someone was bound to hear them. Time for Plan B. "Anna, can you meet me in New York?" she eventually asked.

"Nat, that's four hours away from here. Are you OK?" Anna asked worriedly.

"I'm OK, but what I'm about to talk to you about, I uh don't want to do this over the phone. I uh want to do it in person," Natasha responded. Silence was heard on the other end of the line as Anna contemplated on what to do. She would have to find a way to sneak out of the base and get to her car.

"OK, I can come," she finally said as she grabbed a piece of paper. "Where do I meet you?"

Natasha gave Anna the address to the safe house and ordered her not to share it with anyone. She also asked her to bring the blanket that was draped over the back of the loveseat that was in her and Steve's room. Anna agreed and within a half hour, she was on the road, using her GPS to guide her.

* * *

Four hours later, Natasha heard Anna knock softly on the door. Taking a couple of deep breaths, she got up from the bed from where she had laid down to rest since getting here and opened the door.

"Come in," she replied softly. Her voice a bit groggy from sleeping. Anna stepped inside closed the door behind her. She could instantly tell that Natasha was hurting. Dark circles were under her eyes and she looked a bit pale in the face. "Did you bring what I asked for?'

Anna nodded as she handed Natasha the folded up blanket. She held it close to her chest and breathed in the scent.

"Thank you," she said.

"You're welcome. Why don't we have a seat," Anna said. Still holding the blanket close to her chest, Natasha led Anna to the couch and the two of them sat down.

For the next few minutes, neither of them spoke. By now, Natasha had unfolded the blanket and had it wrapped around her and was once again falling asleep. Deciding not to startle her, Anna left her to sleep and went into the kitchen, searching for something to eat after her long drive up here.

* * *

Natasha was inside a cell in the detention level and sitting on the cot. She was dressed in the gray jumpsuit that all prisoners wore. Clint was on the other side of the glass, and he was glaring at her with sharp eyes.

"Nat, how could you?" he asked.

"I didn't mean to!" she sobbed.

"Nat, he's dead. You shot him!"

"I know and I'm sorry. Forgive me. Please, Clint. Please forgive me!" she begged. Clint didn't say anything as she put her head down. He knew why he was down here.

Coulson had ordered him to execute her.

Still not saying anything to her, he punched in a code to open the door. The two guards that had followed him down here instantly went inside, forced Natasha to her feet, and brought her to the entrance. It wasn't until she looked up at him when she realized that he had a gun in his hand.

"No, Clint. Please don't' kill me! I swear I didn't mean to shoot him! Please don't to this to me!" she screamed. She tried to pull away, but the guards held her firm. "Let go of me! Please don't kill me! I didn't mean to shoot him! Please, Clint. Please don't kill me!"

Clint remained silent as he raised his gun and pointed it at Natasha's forehead. She was still screaming at him, pleading with him not to kill her and trying to pull away from the guards who were trying to restrain her.

Clint pressed the gun firmly into her forehead and cocked it. His hand was shaking. Why did Coulson make him do this? Was it because he was supposed to do this way back when Fury ordered him to?

The guards finally managed to hold Natasha firm. Clint's hand was still shaking, but he had to do this. Taking a deep breath, he looked into Natasha's eyes for the last time and placed his finger on the trigger. "Sorry, Nat," he said.

He then pulled the trigger.

* * *

Natasha sat straight up on the couch, breathing heavily and sweating. The blanket was half on the floor and half draped around her. Anna quickly rushed in and sat down.

"Is he…" she trailed off. She couldn't even bear to say it.

"No, you didn't shoot him," Anna soothed as she took Natasha's hand.

"Then if I didn't shoot him, then I. I shot…"

"No, you didn't shoot Clint either, or Coulson, or me. You shot a wall."

Natasha put her head down and began to sob. She had almost shot Steve; all because she didn't want to see him.

Anna picked the blanket up off the floor and wrapped it around Natasha's shoulders. She was shivering despite the warm temperatures outside. "It's OK. It was just a dream," she soothed.

"But that night back in DC wasn't a dream. It was real. I almost shot my husband!" Natasha sobbed. Anna didn't know how to respond to that. Natasha nearly shooting Steve had left her shaken. It was Clint who calmed her down so she could sleep.

After what seemed like an eternity, Natasha squeezed Anna's hand to get her attention. Anna looked up at her. "Yeah?"

"Anna, help me. Please. Please."


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The quote Anna says "I don't know why terrible things happen to us sometimes..." is from Soul Surfer", there is no copyright infringement on the song title, and the "palms up, palms' down concept is taken from A Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster.  
> I hope and pray that you will take the time to let the words of Anna sink into your hearts and minds.

Anna listened carefully as Natasha spoke through the tears about the horrors of her mission in Bahrain. She barely made it through talking about being sterilized and being shot three times in the leg and was now talking about the young girl she was ordered to kill.

"She was about your age and height. She even looked like you. I wanted to run after Igor made me snap her neck, but he forced me to fight my worst enemy, Yelena Belova."

 Anna nodded and wiped a tear from her eye. She knew who Yelena was based off reading a few things in Natasha's file so there was no need to ask about her.

After catching her breath, Natasha changed the subject and began to talk about all the loss she endured in the past few months. That list also included Maria Hill, whom Anna had never met.

"I just don't get it. Why does God allow suffering?" she sobbed.

"I don't know why terrible things happen to us sometimes. But Nat, I have to believe that something good is going to come out of this," Anna answered as she took Natasha's hand in her own.

"What good can come out of all of this? I lose almost everyone I love, nearly get killed on a mission that I chose to go on by myself, nearly kill my husband because I wanted him out of the room, shut all of you out and not talk to you.." 

"Natasha," Anna said, stopping her before she could say more. "I don't know what good can come out of this situation. I wish I did." 

"Exactly! There's nothing good that can come out of it. I'm a terrible person!"

"No, no you're not a terrible person. God still loves you," Anna answered.

"How? How can God love still love me?"

"Nat, it's like I told you two years ago. No one is perfect. Not even me. We make mistakes every day, but God still loves us," Anna explained as she grasped Natasha's hand. "There's a song that I've been listening to on the radio called "Flawless" by Mercyme. It says that no matter the bumps, the bruises, the scars, the hurt, the pain, or how deep the wound is, the cross has made you flawless, meaning made brand new."

"I don't feel brand new," Natasha said.

"I know you don't. You're hurting. You're scared, but running away isn't going to solve anything. It'll just make things more miserable for you."

Natasha put her head down as she once again started to cry. She should've never left the base. She should've sought out help from someone to help deal with her loss.

"I wish I could go back to the day I walked into Coulson's office. I wish I could've had Steve or Clint with me on that mission. I wish I hadn't shut you guys out. I should've had you help me. I wish I hadn't…" she couldn't finish as another sob burst from her throat. She could barely talk.

"Nat, you can't go back. None of us can. Believe me, there are a lot of things that I wish I could go back and redo. But I can't. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and move forward."

Natasha lowered her head a second time as Anna's words sank into her mind. She needed to move forward and make amends. But how? 

"I don't know what to do, Anna," she said. She still wouldn't look at Anna. She was afraid of what she would see. " There are so many people I have to make amends with. God, Steve and Clint, Agent Bennett, even you. I shut you out too."

"Nat," Anna said placing a hand on her shoulder. "I've already forgiven you."

Relief washed over Natasha's face at what Anna had said. She must've forgiven her the night she called to ask for help.

"How do I make things right with God? I mean it can't be as simple as last time. Can it?" She asked as she lifted her head. 

"It actually is. Simply just repent of your sins and tell him you're sorry. Ask him then to come back into your heart and to forgive you," Anna answered.

"Can you help me?" Natasha asked. Anna nodded and took both of Natasha's hands in her own. This was probably the first or second time she ever touched Natasha's prosthetic hand, so if felt different to her.

"You first," she whispered as she closed her eyes. Natasha did the same.

At first there was nothing but the hum of the air conditioning. Natasha was hesitant on what to say. Eventually, she spoke. Some of her words were even difficult to hear because of all of her sobbing, but Anna knew that God had heard them.

As Natasha spoke, a few tears rolled down Anna's face. Natasha was confessing all of her sins: abandoning God, getting mad at Agent Bennett for telling the team about her, leaving her wedding rings behind when she went AWOL, and worst of all, nearly shooting Steve.

Eventually she stopped confessing and asked God for his forgiveness. She could hardly get the last sentence out, but she did. By now, she barely had a voice left.

"God," she heard Anna say. "I thank you that I was able to come here and help Natasha restore her relationship with you, Yes I know she has done some terrible things, but I know you still love her and that you already forgave her before she even asked. I pray that Steve and Clint will also forgive her like I have already. I also pray that will grow stronger through all of this and be assured that you are holding her in your arms. Lastly, I pray that she will one day come home and once again feel safe. In Jesus' name. Amen."

Natasha took a corner of the blanket and wiped away her tears. She felt better. She felt the same way she did when she first began her relationship with God, but something still wasn't right. She was still burdened by all of the loss in her life. Was there a way to move past that?

"So you said that you lost a friend who you said was too young to die, right?" she asked. Anna nodded. "How are you not burdened by it? Don't you miss him?"

"I do miss him every day and when I'm at church sometimes, but I know that he's in heaven."

"I know that Leia, Han, and Luke are there, but what about the twins and baby Maria? What about Maria Hill? She never met the Lord. Does that mean she's in Hell?"

"I'm afraid so, but not the twins or baby Maria. They are in Heaven. God knew their hearts before they were born. He also knew my friend's heart, and that's why I know he's in Heaven," Anna answered.

"So how do I let go of them? How do I not feel so burdened by their deaths?" Natasha asked.

"I have a small exercise that might help you. I learned it in college through a book I had to read for my theology class. It's called 'palms up, palms down. First, face your palms down and surrender your losses to God."

With a barely audible voice, Natasha turned her palms downward and closed her eyes. "God they're in your hands now. Maria Hill, Han, Luke, Leia, the twins, and baby Maria. They're in your hands."

"Now," Anna said. "Turn your palms upward and ask God to comfort you through all of this."

Natasha turned her palms so that they were facing the ceiling and spoke again. "God, comfort me whenever I am feeling sad. Help me not to forget the ones I love."

The second she opened her eyes, she no longer felt burdened by those she had lost. Instead she felt relaxed for the first time in weeks.

There was once again silence between the two of them. Natasha had finally managed to stop crying, but tears still stained her face.

"Excuse me," she quietly said to Anna. She then stood up and went to the bathroom to wash her face.

* * *

Once inside the bathroom and with the door closed. She turned on the water and washed her face. It was then that she realized what she needed to do. Yes, she knew that Coulson would be furious with her for going AWOL and would probably terminate her career. She knew that Steve would probably not want her back after what she did to him and she probably knew that Clint woul have trust issues with her again, but it was time to start moving forward.

Drying her face, she walked out of the bathroom and headed back toward the living room where Anna was still sitting, waiting for her to tell her either to go home or to stay longer.

Taking a deep breath, she called Anna's name to get her attention.

"You OK?" Anna asked.

"I'm fine. I just, umm, before you go, I need to ask you another favor," Natasha answered.

"What is it?" Anna asked. Natasha took another deep breath before speaking three words that made her smile.

"Take me home."


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've reached the final chapter! No seriously, this IS THE FINAL CHAPTER! I can't believe I finally made it!  
> Hope you have your tissues nearby. Trust me, you're going to need them.

Clint was in trouble.

He knew it the second he sat down in Coulson's office.

"Why am I here, Sir?" he asked.

"I think you already know, Barton," Coulson answered seriously.

Clint put his head down. He did know why he was here. Coulson found out that he tried to sneak off base to try and find Natasha in Bahrain.

"Sir, I never even made it," he eventually said.

"I don't care if you made it or not. I directly ordered you not to go after her," Coulson answered angrily.

Clint leaned forward a bit. His voice got real serious. "Sir, she was taken captive. She could've been killed."

"It never happened. I made sure someone had eyes her."

"And how do you can trust this person? She could be HYDRA for all I care. How do you know that Nat's objectives weren't changed on purpose?' he shouted.

"Agent Bennett and I have worked together long before you even brought Romanoff into this organization. She's not HYDRA. And the mission objectives were not changed on purpose," Coulson answered. He could tell that Clint was getting angry about this.

"I still can't believe you allowed her to go on a mission by herself. You should know Nat better than that."

"She threatened to kill me, Barton. I had no choice. But that's beside the point. The point here is that you disobeyed a direct order from me."

"She's my partner. I still care about her! I'll do anything for her!" Clint shouted.

"Was your partner," Coulson corrected. "Did you forget that I reassigned her after the Battle of New York?"

Clint nodded his head. He remembered that day clearly. He remembered how emotional both he and Natasha were after taking with him. Neither had wanted to stop working together.

"How did you even find out about me trying to leave?" he asked after shaking the memory from his mind.

Coulson didn't answer that. Instead he pulled out a sheet of paper that had coordinates on it and handed it to Clint.

"All the quinjets have GPS trackers in them. It appears that yours was set for your farm in Iowa, and then for Bahrain," Coulson explained. Clint handed him back the paper and he put it back in his desk drawer. He also admitted to Coulson that he was on his way to Bahrain, but his wife texted him to have him come home because everyone was sick.

"It was Laura who convinced me to go after her," he said putting his head down.

"And just how were you going to get Romanoff to listen to you?" Coulson asked.

Clint couldn't answer that. He didn't know how to answer that. He only focus at the time was to find his partner and bring her back to his farm.

"I don't know," he finally answered.

"So you were going to hopefully find Romanoff in Bahrain, then what? Bring her to the farm and then bring her back here?" Coulson asked, Clint nodded as he once again put his head down.

"How did you find out she was back?"

"Steve texted me. I immediately turned the jet around as fast as I could," Clint answered still with is head down.

"Barton, I like you. You're a good agent and you get the job done. But this is the second time you've disobeyed a direct order from me, and about the same person. The Council is still trying to wrap their heads around the first one," Coulson said. That got Clint's attention fast.

"You mean the council that's dead?" Clint challenged. Coulson didn't know how to answer that. Technically Clint was right. All four members of the World Security Council were killed by Alexander Pierce when SHIELD fell, so there was no one to argue with about not killing Black Widow.

"Never mind about that," Coulson said ignoring Clint's question. "I am ordering you to take a leave of absence for a while."

"But Sir, Nat is still out there somewhere. What if she…" Clint whined.

"This is direct order, Agent Barton. You better not disobey a third one," Coulson interrupted sternly. Clint stood up to leave.

"You call me the second Nat sets foot on this base," he said as he closed the door. He then turned around and poked his head back inside. "I mean it, Sir."

Coulson nodded in understanding and Clint left his office, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

The ride back to DC was silent, except for "Flawless" playing on the radio, Natasha wiped a tear from her eyes as the song ended. Anna was right, the words were speaking what she needed to hear. They were speaking the truth.

"Anna?" she asked once her tears were dried.

"Yeah?" Anna responded as she turned down the radio. She also pulled into a rest area to stretch her legs and use the restroom.

"Have you ever had a situation where someone wronged you and you haven't forgiven them yet?" Natasha asked as she closed her door. That stopped Anna dead in her tracks. Yes, she did have a situation like that. When she was in high school, there was a teacher that was rude to her and yelled at her. Anna had never forgiven her at the time because she wondered if that teacher ever knew how badly she had been hurt by that situation.

"Yes, but I eventually forgave her," Anna answered. She then went on to explain that she sent an email in the middle of a concert to the teacher saying three words: "I forgive you."

"I never heard from her, but I felt better after doing it," Anna had said as they made their way to the restroom. Minutes later, they were walking back to the car.

"Why do you ask?" Anna asked as they got back inside.

"Well, when I uh, miscarried, Steve and Clint didn't tell me until a couple of days later and I was very mad at them. They apologized to me, but I never forgave them. I never said those words."

"Are you still mad at them?" Anna asked. Natasha shook her head. "Then I think it's time you forgive them. Yes, they hurt you by not telling you right away, but you can't stay mad at them forever."

"They could probably care less after what I did to both of them these past few weeks," Natasha answered as she put her head down.

"Nat, they do care. They don't want to be at odds with you for the rest of their lives."

"You think so?"

"I know so. Steve loves you and Clint cares about you. They both wanted to come after you the second they found out you were taken captive."

Natasha couldn't hold back her tears. Despite what she had done to both of them, they both still cared about her. They even cared enough to come after her and rescue her from Igor.

"I have to tell them I forgive them. I have to!" she sobbed.

"I think they'll be happy to hear it. But I think they'll be even happier to have you home."

"Please tell me we're almost there!"

"A couple more hours. Hang on, Nat. We'll be there soon."

* * *

It was about 5:30 in the evening when Anna pulled into the garage and turned off her car. Natasha was slightly asleep, but she awoke when she heard the car turn off.

"Should I have Steve and Clint come out here?" she asked when she noticed Natasha not moving to open her door. Natasha shook her head no.

"Tell them to meet me in the main room," she responded, She then opened her door and got out. Meanwhile, Anna got out her phone and texted Steve and Clint.

* * *

Steve was helping Clint pack when they got the text from Anna. They had no idea what was awaiting them in the main room. All they knew is that Anna was taking road trip to see someone. Not bothering to finish packing, at least for now, they rushed out of the room and headed to where they needed to be.

Slightly out of breath when they reached the main room. They waited for Anna to come inside. However instead of Anna leading the way, it was Natasha.

She was home.

Steve immediately wanted to run to her, but Clint grabbed his arm. "Let her come to you," he said. He wanted to run to her too.

Natasha immediately ran to Steve and wrapped her arms around him. He wasted no time in wrapping his own around her. She was shaking and was beginning to cry into his shoulder.

"I forgive you," she sobbed. "I forgive you."

At first Steve was confused, but then he realized what she meant. After four months of being angry, she was finally forgiving him and probably Clint for not telling her about her miscarriage when it happened.

'Oh, Nat," he said as he held her tighter. He was so happy that she was home.

She looked up at him with teary eyes. Steve could tell that she had been crying while she was in the car with Anna. Slowly, she she lifted her head began to speak.

"Steve, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for nearly killing you. I'm sorry for..."

"Shh," he said. He then placed his hand on the back of her head and gently pushed it forward so she was leaning on his chest.

"I forgive you too," he whispered as he soothingly rubbed her back. It felt so good to be doing this again after weeks of not being able to. He then kissed the top of her head and she left his arms.

"Welcome home, Nat," Clint said as he drew her close.

"I'm so sorry," she sobbed. "I'm sorry I went on this mission alone. I'm sorry I…"

"Shh. I forgive you," he whispered. She stayed in Clint's arms until her tears finally stopped. Steve also placed his hand on her shoulder and just held it there. Both were glad to have her back.

Meanwhile, Coulson stayed back a ways and watched Steve and Clint welcome Natasha home. He was glad to have her back as well.

"So that's where you were this entire day," he whispered to Anna as she came back in. Natasha's bag was on her shoulder.

"She called me and asked me to come,"

"I'm guessing her car is at the safe house then?"

Anna nodded yes as she walked away to drop off the bag in Steve's room. She was then going to grab a bite to eat, read for a while, and then go to bed because she was exhausted from her drive.

* * *

Later that night, Natasha found herself sitting on the edge of the bed in Steve's room. He had changed his mind about the poem he wrote for her and instead just handed her the book. With tears in her eyes, she read each word carefully. By the time she reached the final stanza, the one that he had circled, a few tears were falling onto the paper. She quickly set the book down so that it wouldn't ruin the words.

"When I saw that you used a question mark as your last line, I was hurt. I was hurt by your doubt," he said as he handed her a tissue.

"I'm so sorry you had to read that. I'm so sorry for everything I put you and the team through, more specifically you. I should've had someone with me on that mission. I should've never left my rings behind. You probably don't even love me anymore since you probably know I can't give you children," she sobbed. Steve immediately sat down next to her and held her close. She was sobbing into his chest; her tears were soaking his shirt.

He waited until she stopped crying before he spoke again. "Nat, I know you can't have children anymore, but I still love you. Yes, I was angry that you left your rings behind, and yes I thought you didn't love me anymore. But I still love you. I asked myself every day 'where were you?' I wanted you home. I wanted to hold you and tell you everything was going to be OK."

"How can you still love me!" she cried.

"Because I knew that one day you would come home to me. I knew that one day you would turn back to God. My faith was faltering too, Nat. I wasn't sure if God existed anymore. But He does, and He loves both you and me very much, no matter what we've done."

Natasha couldn't stop her tears. Steve still loved her, just like God still loved her. Why didn't she hold onto that when she was on her mission or when she AWOL? Maybe things would've gone differently for her. Oh well, it was in the past. It was time to move forward.

When she finally stopped crying, or at least enough to talk, she left his arms and looked at him. "Where are they? My rings. Are they safe?"

"Yes. Let me get them for you," he answered. He then got up and walked over to his dresser and pulled two boxes out from one of his drawers. He then got down on one knee in front her and opened the first one.

"Natasha Romanoff, do you still love me?"

"Yes. I'll love you for a thousand years, she whispered as her tears started to come back.

"And I'll love you for a thousand more," he said as he slid the first ring onto her right hand. It was the engagement ring. He then opened the second one to reveal the wedding band. It looked brand new.

"Natasha Romanoff, do you still want to have me as your husband?'

"Yes, I still want to be your wife," she answered. Before sliding the ring on her finger, he showed her the engraving on the inside.

"I had this done on Alderaan, knowing that one day you would come home to me. I love you so much, Nat. I'll love you for a thousand years," he said as he slid it onto her finger.

"And I'll love you for a thousand more," she whispered. By now, her voice was raw from so many tears. Steve then stood up, pulled her to her feet, and drew her close and tight to his chest. He wouldn't let go of her.

After what seemed like an eternity, they finally laid down to get some much-needed sleep. Natasha even wore her rings. She didn't want to take them off, at least not tonight. She was so glad to have them back, and even happier about the special engraving that was on the inside.

* * *

Coulson was sitting at his desk putting a mission file together for Officer Kennedy and Sharon when Natasha came in. He guessed that she was here because she needed to apologize to him for threatening to kill him if he didn't send her out. She also probably wanted to apologize for going AWOL instead of seeking help.

"Sir," she said sitting down. It felt weird being in his office again. The last time she was here, she was demanding a solo mission.

"I assume you're here to apologize to me?" he asked.

"Yes," she responded, sitting across from him. “I'm sorry for threatening to kill you. I'm sorry I went AWOL. And this is going to sound crazy, but I'm sorry for not filing any reports yet."

"I could care less about the reports right now. I do accept your apology, however I think you need to realize that I'm not the only one you threatened to kill," Coulson answered seriously. Natasha put her had down. Yes, she threatened Steve by pulling her gun and actually firing. She was so thankful Anna told her that he was alive. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if she actually killed him.

"Also," Coulson said snapping her out of her thoughts. "I think you also need to realize that going AWOL doesn't sit well with me."

"I know it doesn't. I wish I hadn't left. I should've been stronger than that. You were right, Sir. I was grieving. However going on a mission and nearly getting killed is not the answer," Natasha responded.

"Don't get me wrong, Romanoff, I'm happy you're alive and I'm happy your home. But please, don't you ever do something like this again. I would hate to lose you. Like I told Barton yesterday, you're a good agent. You get the job done whenever I ask,"

"If you want to demote me from being second in command, then go ahead. I deserve it anyway," Natasha answered.

"We'll talk abou that when you get back."

"Back?"

"I am relieving both you and Steve of your duties in order you guys to grieve for your loss and for you to properly recover from this mission. Barton is relieved as well for disobeying an order," Coulson explained. 

Natasha nodded her head in understanding. Coulson was right. She needed to grieve for the loss of the twins and for baby Maria. Other than the small funeral that had been held them, she and Steve never had the chance to grieve for them on their own. Also, there were a few nightmares that still haunted her in her sleep and when she was with Agent May and even when she was here after the mission, she didn't feel comforted. That was actually another reason she decided to come home. She wanted someone to hold her through a nightmare and comfort her.

"So I guess you want me out of here ASAP?" she asked.

"Whenever you're ready. There's no need to rush out of here," Coulson answered. Natasha stood up and shook his hand. Before leaving his office, she told him that she was not ready for any new missions just yet. She needed to recover and she needed to do it with her husband. Coulson understood and she left.

Clint was just about to take off, but not before saying "good-bye."

"I'll tell Laura and the kids you're safe," he said as he held her.

"Tell them I'll come out and visit them soon," she responded. He then gave her one final kiss on the forehead before taking off in his quinjet. 

Before she and Steve left, Natasha left Coulson her journal that had her thoughts about Bahrain. "I can't bear to right a report about it, so just read this," she said to him. Coulson took the journal saying that he would read it and get it back to her by the time she got back.

"Ready?" Steve asked holding out his hand. Natasha hesitated a bit before taking his hand. 

"Yes," she whispered. 

"I'll be OK, Nat. We'll take it one day at a time," Steve said to her as they walked to her car.  Natasha didn't answer him. She already knew what he had said before it even left his lips.

He would take care of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's that! Can't believe I wrote a story this long!  
> The reason I wrote this story is to tell you the same thing that Anna said to Nat back in chapter 24, "no matter how far you think you can get from Him (God), He's always pursuing you. He's never stopped. You may have abandoned Him, but He hasn't abandoned you." I hope these words and the words of chapter 27 spoke to some of you. My prayer is that either this story of "Forever Changed" will be a witnessing tool to someone. That's why this story, along with "One Plus One Equals" were part of a subseries called "Redemption", I wanted to show you that you can be redeemed and set free. All it takes it once prayer to God, admitting to Him that you're sorry and then asking for his forgiveness,
> 
> Part 3 of this mini subseries is already in progress. Natasha may have restored her relationship with God, but what about the ones closest to her
> 
> Follow me on Twitter (@AdorationAmy) and check me out on [tumblr](http://adorationamy.tumblr.com) to ask questions and see what I am up to.


End file.
